


the runaways

by lcvecarmen



Series: you're alright (you're still breathing) [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Drug Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, mention of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:54:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 37,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24058555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lcvecarmen/pseuds/lcvecarmen
Summary: taeyong goes back home for inspiration for his new album, but his addiction slowly creeps back into his life. he never planned on falling in love. but was that ever the right choice?he falls in love with johnny at the worst time possible.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: you're alright (you're still breathing) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1260743
Comments: 27
Kudos: 140





	1. the first love

**Author's Note:**

> hello! welcome to the johnyong spin off! this fic has a lot of heavy themes including: depression, addiction, eating disorders, unhealthy relationships, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. please take care of yourselves. if any of those make you uncomfortable please think about it before reading. i want nothing more than the comfort and safety of my readers :(
> 
> without further ado!

_ the first love. _

When Taeyong finds something he likes, he tends to pour his everything into it. No matter what it is, he finds himself obsessing over it. He completely loses himself in it. Taeyong loves everything. He loves his family. He loves music. He loves his studio. 

He loves drugs. 

It’s nothing too major. Nowadays, it’s just the general valium, benzos, xanax. Sometimes coke if he’s feeling extra needy. It might be a problem, but he doesn’t like to call it a problem. Not anymore at least. 

At first it was just some prescription pills he’d steal from his friends and his mom, but then it turned into something ugly. It got to the point where he would take anything to feel numb. Then it became a problem. It was a problem when he was sixteen. It was a problem when he couldn’t feel his face. It was a problem when Donghyuck found his dying body. It was a problem when he spent his entire summer in rehab. It was a problem when he found himself lying in NA meetings.

“You need to fix this, Taeyong!” his mom yelled at him when he failed a drug test. “Look at your brother! Look at him!” she shrieked, thrusting a finger towards his cowering brother. 

Donghyuck stood by the door, tears in his eyes. 

“You’re not only hurting yourself, sweetie. You’re hurting everyone,” she says, voice cracking. 

After that, he got sober. He was doing pretty well. He fixed his life together and moved to New York after high school. He had an internship, but he wanted to start working  _ with _ the artists instead of working for them. He worked as a producer. 

And then he broke his years of sobriety. 

It was stupid, really. He was alone in his apartment. His roommate was out doing some work, so he was left alone at night and left to his own thoughts. It was a hard night. He was struggling with his album, every sound sour to his ears. The pill bottles were basically screaming out for him. His roommate had been prescribed something for his back pain. Taeyong felt pathetic as he swallowed the pills. Drugs aren’t as glamorous as they sound. 

After that, it was a downward spiral. Abusing prescription pills wasn’t his only destructive coping mechanism. He slept in different beds every night with new strangers who claimed to love him. They gave him drugs for free, and they never asked for anything more. 

Taking valium became something he needed. Otherwise, he wouldn’t feel like a functioning human being. He needed this stuff, and he hates to admit it, but he became dependent. His dealer, Matt, would always give him discounts if he gave out favors. It was a dangerous game, but Taeyong thought he knew how to play. 

“You love me, right?” he whispered one night, wrapped in bed sheets. 

His lover paused. “Yeah.” 

Matt had Taeyong wrapped around his finger. You could call it blind love. Taeyong thought he loved him. But then the unimaginable happened. 

If there was a drug Taeyong would not fuck with, it was fentanyl. Matt gave him fentanyl. He has no idea what they did to him that night even to this day. He remembers waking up with dried up blood on his top lip and nose. He remembers the aching feeling on his lower back. His throat scratched and burned. The dried up mess on his bare chest made his heart drop into his stomach. 

He threw up. He cried. Matt was high that morning. So high that he didn’t even notice Taeyong run away.

Taeyong packed his bags, left months worth of rent for his roommate, and ran back to his hometown. Nobody knew why. Nobody saw it coming. To them, Taeyong had it all. He had growing success, he had money, he had a job. He had a lot of things. 

The bus ride home was horrible. He felt like he was living in a tragic movie. It was even raining. So, as he stared out of the window and out onto the wet scenery, Taeyong made a promise to himself that he will not be another tragedy. 

He had to go home, surround himself with the people he loved most, and find his inspiration. He wanted to find his inspiration for his music. He needed inspiration for life. 

By the time he got to the city, it was dark. It was still raining, making his hoodie damp. He dragged his luggage behind him. As he soaked in the familiar city, he started to cry. It was never supposed to end up like this. When Taeyong left this terminal, he promised himself he would never go back to that life. He would never hurt himself or his family. But now he’s here on the streets of a city he once loved. 

He used to hate his hometown. Every weekend, Taeyong would escape to the city, just thirty minutes away. A lot of his bad decisions were made in this city. It was messy, but he loved it. Eventually, it started to get too small, and he wanted to go to an even bigger city. Taeyong believed New York was going to help him. And it did. For a while. 

How naive of him to think anything could ever help him. 

The rain puddles soaked his favorite sneakers, and Taeyong only wanted to cry even more. In the corner of his eye, he saw a bright neon sign. He’d never seen that sign before. It was new, and he knew because he had committed that street to memory. Instead of the usual cafe, a bar called The Runaway replaced it. It looked clean and hipster enough to get Taeyong inside. 

Upon entering, the first thing he could smell was smoke, which first of all  _ ew _ . It wasn’t just any kind of smoke. It was  _ scented smoke _ . It was a little off putting, but Taeyong still headed towards the bar. He sat down on the bright stools and waited for a bartender. 

If Taeyong hadn’t been staring so intently on the paper straws, he might have seen Johnny right away. 

Oh,  _ Johnny _ . He was a dreamboat. 

To this day, Taeyong can’t understand how he scored such a nice, caring, and sexy boyfriend. It’s criminal. 

“Hey, I’m Johnny. What can I get you?” was the first thing he said to Taeyong. 

He looked up to see a man with such a powering presence. It was intimidating at first, but then he smiled and Taeyong felt like he was greeted by a soft angel. That was definitely the exhaustion and the pill he took on the bus talking. Johnny’s smile made him feel safe and comfortable. It was the kind of smile that made you feel like you’re protected. 

“Um … can I just get something sweet?” he asked. His words were slow, but Johnny understood and nodded before stirring something up. 

Taeyong’s taste in alcohol was never not sweet. He couldn’t drink the hard stuff. So, he stook to the sugary stuff. When Johnny placed a strawberry pineapple mojito in front of him, Taeyong fell in love even harder. 

“Hope that’s sweet enough for you,” he said with a grin. 

After one sip, Taeyong realized what he had to do. He had to get this guy’s number or else he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. A guy who made awesome drinks was a man Taeyong could not turn down. 

“This is perfect,” he praised. 

Johnny stood there and stared at Taeyong a little longer. It might have been considered uncomfortable, but Taeyong didn’t feel uncomfortable at all under his studying gaze. If anything, he felt ignited. 

“You know, you look really familiar,” Johnny said. 

“I do?” he replied, a teasing eyebrow raised. 

Johnny nodded and continued to stare with those soft brown eyes. “I have definitely met you somewhere. Give me a minute and I might just remember.” 

He continued to serve everyone at the bar. Every once and while, their eyes would meet, and Taeyong would smile into his glass. The blush on his face was mostly due to the alcohol and not at all due to Johnny’s stare. By the time he’s finished his drink, Johnny is right there with that kind smile on his face. 

“I remember now,” he said. “We went to high school together. North Penn, right?” 

Taeyong’s stomach drops. It could be embarrassment or it could just be the alcohol. Whenever Taeyong thinks about high school, it’s usually never nice. He hated high school. He hated what he went through. He hated how he’s doing it all over again, just older and a bit more successful. 

“Uh, yeah,” he confirmed. He moved the bangs out of his face with a sweaty hand. When did he get so sweaty?

Johnny nodded his head, like he felt accomplished in remembering Taeyong’s face. 

“You haven’t really changed,” he noted. 

Taeyong immediately got defensive. “What do you mean? Of course I’ve changed, it's been nearly four years.” 

Johnny’s face fell almost instantly. It was like he knew he hit a sore spot. They barely knew each other, but the way they could read each other was almost scary. 

“I-I didn’t mean it like that,” he stuttered. “I just mean you still look like you’re eighteen.” 

If Johnny was in his class, then Johnny knew what happened. Taeyong tried to dig into his brain to see if he could remember Johnny like he remembered Taeyong. He couldn’t find anything. Must have been all the drugs that scrambled his brain. 

He laughed sheepishly. “I’m so sorry, but I can’t really remember,” he said slowly. “Did we have any classes together?” 

“I think we had pre-calc together,” he laughed. “I just remember you being picked on by the teacher every day.” The moment ended when a customer called him over, and he left with a quick smile. 

Taeyong felt so guilty he couldn’t remember Johnny. With a face like that and a presence so magnetic, he thought he’d remember clearly. Something in his brain wasn’t clicking, and it was so frustrating. It was so frustrating that it came to the point where Taeyong had to keep staring at Johnny in an attempt to remember  _ something _ . 

The night continued on slowly. At one point, he went to the bathroom and snorted a line of some special k. Don’t ask him why he did it. He just knew he had some because he stole a bunch of Matt’s shit to get back at him. And he was bored. 

When he stepped out of the bathroom, nose stinging with irritation, he sat himself down on the neon stool and waited. With Johnny bumbling around to tend to his bar, Taeyong found himself going into a trance. Then it hit. Ketamine tends to do that. He felt so happy as he watched the man do his job. 

The smile on his face was dopey and his limbs felt numb. It didn’t even feel like he was sitting on a stool anymore. He could feel himself slowly rocking back and forth. He giggled with the slow motion. God, he felt so happy. 

One moment he was tracing the condensation on his cold glass, and then Johnny’s calling out his name. Taeyong lifted his head up, but the world moved so slowly that the neon lights behind Johnny looked like streaks in the room. 

“Johnny,” he said, but it felt so slow. He laughed with the feeling. He let out a drawled out  _ woah _ when Johnny grabbed a hold of his shoulders. He doesn’t even feel his hands. 

“You can’t go home like this,” Johnny said, his face morphed with concern. Taeyong couldn’t even hear him. He just stared at him with glossy eyes. 

As he was dragged off the stool, Taeyong looked up at Johnny. He suddenly realized that Johnny was the type of guy he would fall in love with. He could fall in love with Johnny. He wouldn’t mind. Somewhere distantly in his head, he realized he barely knew this man. 

“You’re so pretty,” he slurred. He felt like he was floating as Johnny dragged him along. 

Johnny just looked down at him with the prettiest brown eyes. Even in the city night lights, he looked beautiful. Taeyong was like putty in his hands. They walked for what felt like forever. Eventually, they reached an apartment building. It looked so tall from here. Taeyong squinted up at it and continued to stare out into space. His head remained tilted towards the sky. 

“Come on,” Johnny grunted as he pulled Taeyong up the stairs. Oh look, he had his luggage too. How nice. 

Next thing he knew, he was in an unfamiliar room covered in a heavy blanket. It felt so heavy. He felt like he was sinking into the bed. His body was doing that weird falling thing. 

When Taeyong is high, he feels like it’s the only time he can be really happy. He knows it’s dangerous to think like that. Because that’s how an addict thinks. And Taeyong doesn’t want to be an addict. Nobody does. He didn’t want his body to crave for something that slowly deteriorates his body. Who would? 

“Can you hug me?” he whispered to Johnny. He really needed a hug. 

Being hugged by Johnny was probably the most relaxing sensation he had ever felt. The K was already making him feel so happy. Hugging Johnny was like an extreme surge of euphoria. 

Before the high can wash over, Taeyong let himself fall asleep. 

-

Drugs are fun, but then they’re not. 

It’s a very fine line. 

It was a line Taeyong didn’t know how to avoid. ‘

When Taeyong woke up, he felt like shit. Absolute shit. He also felt very panicked. He had no idea where he was and he was  _ beyond _ embarrassed. After looking around for a good five minutes, Taeyong realized Johnny took him home. They didn’t do anything because Johnny isn’t an asshole who takes advantage of people in their most vulnerable states. Taeyong had just asked him to give him a hug. A blush immediately flooded his face. 

“I’m so fucking stupid,” he whispered to himself as he hid his burning face into his hands. 

Slowly, he dragged his hands down his face. He could feel the exhaustion burying into his bones. His face felt puffy and gross. As he removed the blanket, his knobbly knees looked right back at him (when did he take off his pants?). He reached down to grab his jeans and slid them on. The world felt like it was moving in slow motion, and he wasn’t even high. He had to conjure up enough energy to even stand. 

Taeyong stood up slowly to avoid the head rush. He desperately searched for his luggage, but found it quickly in the open space. Digging into his luggage, he pulled out the familiar pill bottle and rattled it before popping the cap off. The pill slid down his throat dryly, but Taeyong didn’t even flinch. 

It took a lot of courage to even turn the door knob. He had to actually face Johnny, who had seen him in his most vulnerable state. This is someone he went to highschool with, oh god. Taeyong had fallen hard in New York, and he never planned on letting anybody from highschool know that. He didn’t want to be that wash up New York musician. But that’s exactly what he was at that moment. Somebody who couldn’t handle the biggest city. A failure. 

The walk to the living room was the most nerve wracking walk. The hallway felt so long, like he would never reach the living room. It stretched impossibly far, but Taeyong knew it was just his brain playing tricks with him. He peered over the corner to see Johnny sleeping on a brown beat up couch. Taeyong had to go through every single outcome in waking Johnny up. He could slip out of the apartment and never look back. Or he could thank him and potentially get his number. 

Yeah, that wouldn’t happen. He could never get Johnny’s number after last night. It was probably too late for that. Taeyong was too much of a mess. He should have never stolen Matt’s ketamine. Johnny saw him fall in the k-hole. That would scare anyone away. 

Johnny suddenly woke up in the middle of his inner monologue. 

“Oh, you’re awake,” he said in his raspy morning voice. That was hot. 

Taeyong’s eyes widened when he realized he was just standing there like an idiot. He was never this embarrassing. Suddenly, he was faced with someone who knew a general amount about him, and he doesn’t know how to act. He scratched at his arm, a nervous habit he had developed after years of abusing drugs. He couldn’t handle Johnny’s gaze. 

“I should probably go,” he said. “Um, thanks a lot for letting me crash.” He smiled tightly with a grateful nod. 

Johnny got up from the couch in his grey sweatpants and tank top. Taeyong could choke on his own spit. 

“You sure you don’t wanna stay for some breakfast?” he asked, voice kind. 

Taeyong thought about it before he realized he had more important tasks. “I actually have to get home,” he replied. 

The click of Johnny’s tongue could only be a sign of slight disappointment. He wanted to have breakfast with Taeyong, who stood 5’9 and stick thin to the point where it looked sickly with terrible eye bags and scratched up arms. Johnny wanted to have breakfast with him. 

He made a quick noise of realization and headed over to his kitchen counter to pull out a notepad. He hastily wrote on the paper with a flower pen. Cute. 

Johnny grinned and offered up the small piece of paper. “For when you ever want someone to talk to, you know?”

Taeyong took it with shaky hands. His fingers crumpled the corners as he stared down at the small note Johnny left him. Below the kind note was a series of numbers. He got Johnny’s phone number. He finally looked up after processing all of that with a small smile. 

“Yeah,” he whispered into the rather quiet apartment. 

“Let me get your luggage,” he said. Johnny didn’t always have to be so helpful. He was way too kind. “Are you taking an Uber or something?” 

Right as Taeyong was opening the app, he nodded. Johnny nodded before leaving to fetch Taeyong’s blue luggage. After he set up his Uber, the New Yorker stood awkwardly in the middle of the apartment. He let his eyes wander around, catching small bits of Johnny’s personality. He liked to collect vinyls. He read books. He liked photography. 

Johnny came back with the luggage and a sweater. He placed it right in front of Taeyong and handed over the sweater. Taeyong accepted it with hesitancy. 

“You might get cold,” he explained. “It is January, and you forgot your jacket at the bar,” he laughed. 

Taeyong nodded and pressed his lips before realizing, “How am I gonna get this back to you?”

Johnny smirked as he walked Taeyong out. “Guess you’re just gonna have to come visit me at the bar,” he said so smoothly. He closed the door, and Taeyong’s face heats up so quickly he nearly sweats. 

He got into his Uber with a quick hello before texting his mom. 

_ meet me at the train station near home. im coming back home for awhile. _

  
  
  
  
  


When he got off the train, the first thing he saw was Donghyuck’s redhead.

He came barreling through, nearly knocking them over with the force of his hug. Donghyuck tries to say he never cried, but he was obviously crying. 

“You left me alone in this stupid fucking town, and now you’re back?” he shouted, shoving his older brother hard. “Why would you ever come back?” 

Taeyong tried to come up with an excuse. Donghyuck couldn’t know what was really going on because if he knew, it’d only hurt them both. Donghyuck couldn’t know his older brother was falling deep again. He couldn’t do that to him. So, he put on a front and convinced himself he was the responsible older brother that had left for New York. Because that was who Donghyuck saw before he left. Clean. 

“I’ve hit writer’s block,” he pouted. “I came here to find inspiration,” he confidently said. A white lie never hurt anyone. 

His little brother smiled and hit him on the back. He began asking about all of the cool artists Taeyong worked with, his words increasing in speed with each second. He had that gleaming grin on his face that Taeyong missed so much. He loves Donghyuck’s smile. It’s probably one of his favorite things on earth. 

When Taeyong overdosed, Donghyuck found him. He was only twelve years old. Poor kid. Taeyong woke up in the hospital bed to see his little brother staring at him with such sadness. His eyes were filled to the brim with fat, heavy tears. His cheeks were swollen, chubbier than they already were. He looked like a little baby. On that hospital bed, he promised himself he would always take care of Donghyuck. He would never hurt him ever again. 

On the car ride home from the hospital, he sang along to Michael Jackson with Donghyuck. Just to see him smile. Taeyong was sixteen, and Donghyuck was twelve when his idea of trust flew out the window. 

The two walked towards the parking lot, and Taeyong might’ve started crying when he saw his mom. She had her hair up, and she looked as beautiful as ever. Everyone always talks about how similar they are. Taeyong got his looks from his mama. That’s what everyone said. 

“All of my babies are here,” his mom cooed. “How long am I gonna have you this time?” 

He let her pinch his cheeks and kiss all over his face. Her soft hands held Taeyong’s face. She looked fond as she looked at her baby. In a flash, Taeyong could see the realization hit her. She quickly shaked the shocked expression off her face and smiled sweetly. 

“Maybe a year or so,” he replied. She nodded and pulled away to head to the car. 

Donghyuck let him sit in the passenger seat just because Taeyong hadn’t sat in that seat for a while. Taeyong stuck his tongue out to his little brother, who only responded by pulling the skin around his eyes down in an attempt to look like a zombie. 

It started to rain halfway through the ride home. The train station was a bit far from home, but close enough. Taeyong stared out the window as he listened to his mom’s cd. Stevie Nicks sang to him while the trees flew by. The ride home was far enough to know Donghyuck out. 

His mom’s grip on the wheel readjusted. A soft tap from her pointer finger grabbed his attention. 

“Yeah?” he asked. He gulped in realization. 

She looked away from the road for a quick second before shaking her head and staring straight ahead. The sigh made Taeyong’s heart squeeze. It hurt him that his own mother could recognize the pain he was experiencing. She knew him better than anyone else. He couldn’t fool her. 

“Are you clean?” she asked suddenly at a red light. She refused to look at Taeyong. 

He started to cry right there, soft tears slipping down his cheeks. His face stayed blank as he cried. He looked ahead, matching her gaze. He sniffled, which caused her to reach her hand out for him to hold. 

He held onto her hand and cried softly. He didn’t want to wake Donghyuck up. His tears were silent. 

They got home, and as he stepped out of the car, he took time to look up at the house. It was a small humble middle class house. Much different from the tall buildings he was used to seeing. He grabbed his luggage from the trunk and pulled it out, slamming the trunk loudly to wake Donghyuck up. His little brother jumped at the sound and let out a long list of curse words. 

“Uh oh,” Taeyong laughed. “Hyuckie’s cursing now?” he teased. 

Donghyuck got out of the car, dried up drool on the side of his mouth. His red hair was messy on top of his head, which made his glare ten times less intimidating. 

“Shut the fuck up,” he said easily. 

Taeyong grinned and tossed his free arm over his little brother’s shoulder. He pulled Donghyuck towards the house with him. Fifteen year old Donghyuck was not having it. Once inside the house, he sat himself on one of the counter stools and rested his chin on his hand. 

“So how has sophomore year been treating you?” he asked out of curiosity. 

Donghyuck groaned and dug through the fridge for a fruit cup. He brought out two cups and tossed Taeyong one. His favorite. Mandarin oranges. The youngest of the two sat across from him with a bored expression. 

“It sucks,” he answered. He dangerously opened the fruit cup with talented ease. Taeyong opened his cup with a splash. 

“Oh? Wanna elaborate on that?” he further asked. He loved doing this. He loved pestering Donghyuck about his life because he knew his little brother loved to talk about his life. Taeyong loved to listen. 

“First of all, Mark’s being all stingy with band practice because he has to “study” for the SATs. Asshole’s not even going to college,” he replied. 

“Wait, he’s not?” Taeyong asked. Donghyuck shook his head. “Why not? I heard his brother’s studying at Yale. Wouldn’t that, like, motivate him?” 

His little brother slurped an orange. “He’s taking a gap year. Once me and the rest of the guys graduate we’re moving to California together.” 

Hyuck had the same dreams as Taeyong. The nights they spent in their backyard dreaming on stars shaped them into the people they were. Their young hearts always dreamed big. It was no surprise Donghyuck wanted to dream even bigger. He had a band, he had shows, he had a growing fanbase. He was  _ going _ somewhere. Taeyong could see this. 

“That’s so cool,” he said, genuinely excited for his little brother. “I know some people down there. I could always send them your way?” 

Donghyuck straightened up in his chair, and his eyes widened in shock. He nearly choked on the mandarin orange in his mouth. 

“Really?” he squeaked.

Taeyong lightly laughed. His eyes felt droopy. He was so tired. “Yeah, totally,” he said, trying his best to conceal his exhaustion. 

Donghyuck got up and rounded the counter to squeeze his brother into a rib crushing hug. He squeezed and buried his face into his older brother’s neck. It was a hug filled with love. He actually missed Taeyong, and he could tell from just one hug. 

“I’m glad you’re back,” he whispered. 

Taeyong rolled his eyes and weakly pushed Donghyuck off of him with a chuckle. The little devil had a wide grin before he pressed a wet kiss on his older brother’s cheek. Taeyong groaned and Donghyuck stole his fruit cup in response before heading upstairs. 

He sat in the kitchen alone. He could feel his breathing growing thin. The exhaustion was hitting full force. He wanted to feel awake. He wanted to feel something other than this numbing pain he had gotten so used to. He doesn’t want to feel numb anymore. 

Taeyong never plans to cry. It’s the one thing he hates most about himself. He can cry so easily it’s embarrassing. He hates it. In the middle of the kitchen, he cried. Quiet, as always. He thought about his mistakes following up until now. He thought about his itch for the white powder in his bag. He knew he shouldn’t do it. 

Taeyong got up, swiped the tears under his eyes, and walked up the stairs to his old room with his bags. Each step felt heavy. 

Once he made it to the door, decorated with random images he had painted it with as a teenager. He took a moment to appreciate the art and softly smiled at the small cowboy picture he drew with Donghyuck. With one light push, he entered his old room. 

It was the same. Nothing had changed, except for the lack of posters. He had taken them all to New York. They’re still there, he sadly thought. It had the same green walls, same bed set, same drawers, same desk. It took him back. 

After he set his bags down in the corner of his room, he sat on his bed and stared out in front of him, looking at nothing in particular. He was having an internal battle with himself because at that moment, he was itching for something to numb this aching feeling away. This need for escape terrified him. 

“Are you gonna tell him?” he heard his mom whisper from the doorframe. 

Taeyong lifted his head to see his mom in her scrubs, ready for work. She leaned against the frame. Her expression was blank, but he knew what she was thinking. She was disappointed.

“Please don’t,” he whispered back. 

She sighed and ran a hand down her face. “We are talking about this when I get home, okay?” she said. 

The door closed behind her, and Taeyong was left by himself. He could hear Donghyuck’s loud voice talking on the phone. The buzz of the heater system was loud. His fingers twitched. So, he picked up his phone. Scrolling down his contact list, he realized he had never kept in touch with anyone from high school. Except for one person. He couldn’t even meet up with any old friends because he had distanced himself so far away from this town that he left the people behind as well. Except for one person. 

The familiar name caught his eye. 

Yuta Nakamoto. 

-

An old beat up blue car pulled up in the driveway. In excitement, Taeyong ran down the stairs. His loud boots clunked against the staircase, and he yelled to let Donghyuck know he would be back later that night. He grabbed Johnny’s heavy sweater and walked out into the cold. 

“What’s up, bitch!” his old friend, Yuta shouted before jumping out of the old car to tackle Taeyong into a hug. “What are you even doing here?” he said with a grin. 

Yuta was somebody Taeyong would talk to a lot in school. He was the town’s plug. They were best friends. Around the time Taeyong nearly died, he felt like the loneliest person. But he had Yuta. Yuta was a constant. It had been hard. The NA meetings were annoying. The people at school were even more annoying. People were constantly asking him what it felt like to die. He could never find the answer. The only thing that wasn’t annoying was Yuta.

Taeyong shrugged. “Thought I’d come back,” he said simply. “Missed it.” 

Yuta started the car with a scoff. “Now that’s some bullshit. You hate this town,” he said. 

“No, seriously,” he defended. A smile graced his face as he talked to his old friend. He could feel himself slip back into old patterns. “I needed a small change.” 

His friend hummed and nodded along to the heavy metal playing throughout the car. Taeyong took in the car and realized it hadn’t changed since high school. He wondered if Yuta had changed since high school. The old friend definitely looked different. He ditched the old shaggy stoner look and accepted a new punk look. Taeyong was a fan. 

“This town has definitely not changed since you left, I’m tellin’ ya,” Yuta said. He glanced over at his friend for a quick second. 

Taeyong chuckled. “You still sell?” he asked in a moment of braveness. For a heavy pause, neither of them talked. The scratchy radio was the only noise to cover the silence. Taeyong never liked silence. 

“I’m not gonna sell to you, Yong,” Yuta quietly stated. 

“And why not?” Taeyong countered quickly. “You definitely didn’t have any troubles doing it in high school.” 

The tight grip Yuta had on the wheel impossibly tightened at the snarky remark. Taeyong knew Yuta had a quick temper, but it had been such a long time, he nearly forgot how explosive his friend could get. As they got onto the highway to the city, tension increased. 

“I’m not gonna help you kill yourself again,” he said with finality. 

Taeyong accepted it, even if he didn’t want to hear it. His leg bounced in anticipation as they entered the familiar city. They used to do this all of the time. Late night city trips were so familiar to them. It made him sad to think all of that was merely a memory. Something of the past. 

“I’m sorry,” he muttered in an attempt to relieve the shivering cold between them. 

Yuta sighed loudly. “It’s fine,” he replied. “What’s this bar we’re going to?” 

He always had a talent for switching tempos in conversations. It’s what avoided most of the trouble that ever came his way. Taeyong wished he could have learned how to do that at some point in his life. But he never did. Now Yuta was five tempos ahead of the conversation, talking about the club life in their city while Taeyong was still fighting himself over his selfish words. 

“I met someone there,” he said. “Maybe something exciting can come out of it.” 

Yuta howled in amusement. “Someone?” he teased. “Little Yongie is still a little whore I see.” 

Taeyong laughed loudly at the hilarity of the situation. Yuta could always do that, too. He knew how to make people comfortable in uncomfortable situations. He knew how to make Taeyong ease up. Maybe it was a little much for their first conversation in awhile, but Yuta knew how their humor was. 

As they parked in the dingy parking lot, Taeyong could feel the nerves crawl up the back of his neck. He barely knew Johnny, but he was already trying so hard to not fuck it up. Taeyong had that kind of habit. Eventually, he always fucks it up. 

Yuta turned the car off, killing the music and forcing them into silence. “So,” he started, “who are we exactly meeting tonight?” he asked with fluttering lashes. 

“His name’s Johnny,” he answered. “He graduated with us.” 

It seemed to have clicked for Yuta because he gasped so loudly Taeyong thought he would choke with a reaction that grand. He shifted in his seat and raised an eyebrow in response. Then, he made a noise of confusion to prompt Yuta to explain. 

“Johnny?” he repeated incredulously. Yuta peered over at the bar. “Like, Johnny Suh, the one who threw all the parties and shit?” 

Taeyong looked side to side, trying to remember anything about Johnny from high school. It still ran blank in his mind. 

“I guess?” he replied meekly. 

“Well shit! This is his bar,” Yuta shrieked. “What are we waiting for? How did I miss that?” 

He was dragged into the trendy bar once again. His outfit was anything but fashionable compared to the cool hipsters hanging around. Yuta definitely looked cooler than him. Taeyong didn’t let himself dwell on it for too long because by the time they'd made it to the bartop, Johnny had already spotted them. 

He was mixing a drink before he looked up and grinned at the two of them. Taeyong could feel his heart fluttering in his ribcage. He kept trying to remind himself he barely knew this guy. Johnny was just a nice guy who took pity in the guy who fell into a k-hole at his bar. He was probably trying to avoid legal trouble or something. Nothing more. 

“Johnny fuckin’ Suh,” Yuta shouted upon arrival. “Look at you.” 

Over the bartop, the two dapped each other up while Taeyong awkwardly stood there. He had no idea what to do in this type of situation. What do you do when the guy who let your high ass crash at his place knows your friend? Stand there. That’s what you do. 

He stood there with the borrowed sweater in hand. He let his eyes wander around again instead of listening in on their conversation. The reasonable part of Taeyong’s brain told him to say hi, give the sweater back, and start flirting. But Taeyong didn’t know how to flirt well because most of the time he was too busy with work to ever actually try to find a boyfriend. So yeah, it had been awhile since Taeyong had actually tried to get somebody’s attention. 

“You came back,” he heard Johnny say. It caught him off guard because he slightly jumped at the sound of his voice. “Little jumpy?” Johnny joked. 

Taeyong tried to casually smile, but it probably looked pained. “I brought back your sweater,” he said.

Johnny glanced down at the sweater for a second before looking back at Taeyong with a smirk. That did so many things to him, he didn’t even know how to respond. His face burned up and that was that. He handed over the sweater and aggressively bit his lip. It wasn’t the ‘bite your lip to look sexy’ kind of bite. It was the ‘I’m biting my lip to stop myself from saying something stupid.’

“Thanks,” the bartender said. 

Yuta began ordering drinks for them, but Taeyong had other thoughts in mind. He eyed the bathroom entrance for a moment. Then, he made his decision and made his way to the bathroom. With his hands in his pockets, Taeyong listened to the music playing throughout the bar. He listened to the echoing chatter in the bathroom. 

God, this was so depressing. 

He took a line. As his nose stung, he looked up at the bathroom ceiling. He could see the world slowly start to fade around him. Numb. Always numbing to the point where Taeyong can’t remember anything. Maybe he wanted to remember that night, but he had already made that decision. Disconnect from the real world, and everything will be okay. Right? 

Taeyong exited the stall, giving tight smiles to the men who stared at him with curiosity. They definitely recognized the tell-tale sign of an addict, which made his skin crawl. He wanted to be defensive. He wanted to yell at them for looking at him, but he couldn’t. Taeyong couldn’t yell at anyone because he believed nobody deserves that. So, yeah, call Taeyong a big fucking marshmellow with no backbone. 

Joining Yuta at the bar was dangerous because he knew that his old friend would see through Taeyong’s act. He was never good at covering up his high. It didn’t help that Yuta had an amazing skill at recognizing the highs and lows. 

He sipped on his drink. “What did you do?” he asked, no judgement filling his question. It was just a question, yet Taeyong felt like he was being stabbed a million times. 

“I don’t have to tell you that,” he answered with a roll of his eyes. To distract himself, he went to reach for the cocktail Johnny made for him, but Yuta was quicker. He grabbed a hold on his wrist to prevent any nasty mistakes. 

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” Yuta pushed further. “At least sober up a little bit before you go ahead mixing.” At that, he went to go talk to someone he apparently recognized. 

Taeyong was left alone at the bar. With the amount of people surrounding him, he felt so alone. He didn’t have that euphoric feeling everybody always talks about. After a few times, it’s never fun. Sure, he felt a bit more confident in the way he talked to Johnny whenever he had a second, but it was all fake. None of it was real. 

“You look really fit,” Taeyong stated in the middle of their conversation. “I’ve been trying to go to the gym, but look at me.” A breathless laugh left his mouth as he gestured down at himself. 

He wasn’t wearing anything impressive, really. His black band t-shirt had been ripped into a crop top and the worn out black skinny jeans weren’t exactly the most appealing. He would have to remember to get his jacket because he was definitely going to freeze without it. 

Johnny quipped an eyebrow up. He was cleaning a glass, taking advantage of the small break from the rush. Somebody else was tending with him, which made it easier for Taeyong to talk him up. 

“I think you’re beautiful,” Johnny said casually. He said it like it was a fact. He didn’t have any hesitation. He didn’t have any deeper meaning behind his words. He believed Taeyong was beautiful. 

He could feel his face heat up. Taeyong was not beautiful, but when Johnny looked at him, he didn’t see all of the mess. It was saddening to think that one day, if this ever worked out, he would have to see beyond the beautiful exterior Taeyong holds so dearly. His confidence dropped by the slightest. He tipped his head down, staring at his boots to avoid Johnny’s gaze. 

“Sure,” he responded, amused. He didn’t want to look any deeper into Johnny’s words, so he took it as a joke. “I’m really just an angel who fell down from heaven. You should be grateful I’m even gracing you with my presence.” 

Johnny let out a short laugh, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “Definitely,” he replied, equally amused. Then, he looked up at the clock behind him. It was late. 

Taeyong looked around to find Yuta. He spotted him quickly in one of the booths, sucking face with a stranger. He quickly averted his eyes, uncomfortable at the sight of such blatant making out. Johnny was gone when he turned back, which saddened him for a second before he felt a hand brush against his waist. It made him tense up, but then the hand quickly fleeted. Taeyong turned around to see who had touched him. 

It was Johnny’s soft smile that greeted him. “Do you wanna get out of here?” Johnny asked. He had Taeyong’s forgotten coat in his hands along with his own. 

The implications behind his question were vague, but Taeyong’s drugged out head had immediately taken a turn into the gutter. He smirked, the kind he used on Matt when he ran out of valium. Seductive. 

“Where do you wanna take me?” Taeyong responded with another question. His voice was sultry as his hand rested on Johnny’s chest. 

Johnny’s eyebrows rose up to his hairline, which immediately made Taeyong blush furiously. All of the false confidence dropped as he realized what he had just done. When will Taeyong ever stop embarrassing himself?

“I was thinking the park a couple blocks down, but uh,” Johnny voice trailed on. It didn’t seem like he was uncomfortable with the proposition, just confused. 

Taeyong stuffed his face in Johnny’s chest out of embarrassment, which was probably ten times more embarrassing. Johnny had just rubbed his back comfortingly. 

“I’m an absolute idiot,” Taeyong mumbled. He pulled away from Johnny’s chest, looking up with wide apologetic eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m just-I’m just really out of it right now.” He ended his slurred words with a grin. The smile didn’t reach his eyes. 

Johnny nodded in understanding. “Come on. We’re going to the park,” he stated, reaching his hand out for Taeyong to take. He pulled him up easily, which did a lot of things to Taeyong.

“In thirty degrees?” Taeyong joked, still wrapping himself in his cozy jacket. 

“Yes,” Johnny said firmly before breaking out a wide grin. He pulled Taeyong along by the wrist, shouting goodbye to his co-workers. 

The walk to the park was brutal. Johnny was complaining the whole way there, and Taeyong had to remind him that it was his idea in the first place. Taeyong didn’t feel cold. He felt warm all over. By the time they made it to the small park, Johnny had warmed up and stopped complaining. Instead, he was rubbing his fingerless gloves together, blowing hot breath into them. Taeyong didn’t have any gloves, just stuffing his hands into his pockets. 

“Aren’t you freezing?” Johnny pointed out, amazed at Taeyong's lack of feeling. “I will never get used to this weather. I wanna move to California so bad.” 

They sat on the swings, gently swinging. Taeyong looked up to stare at the sky because he didn’t have it in him to look over at Johnny. He was too weak for that. If he stared any longer he might just fall in love with him. It sounds ridiculous, but it was true. Taeyong could fall in love with Johnny in the matter of two days. He was that easy to love, and Taeyong could fall in love quickly. He barely knew Johnny, and Johnny definitely wasn’t falling in love with him. 

“Lately, I’ve been feeling really numb,” Taeyong said, voice quiet. He could feel Johnny’s gaze on him as he continued to stare up. 

“You know, Taeyong, I really wanna get to know you,” Johnny said. 

At that, Taeyong snapped to look at Johnny. His expression was a mix of irritation, embarrassment, confusion, and infatuation. It was a lot to process for Johnny. 

“And why would you ever want to do that?” Taeyong asked. 

Johnny shrugged. “I might have had a crush on you junior year, but I was too scared to say anything about it because…” he didn’t continue, but Taeyong could read between the lines and interpret what he was saying. 

He scoffed. “Because?” he pushed, yet he already knew the answer. 

Johnny finally turned to return his gaze on Taeyong. The confusion settled in Taeyong after Johnny looked at him with only fondness and remorse. He couldn’t understand what was going on inside Johnny’s brain, but he thought he had a good general feeling.

“My friends said you would just break my heart,” he answered simply. 

Taeyong’s breath hitched. “What do you mean?” he asked. He already knew the answer. With everything, Taeyong knew the answer. 

“I wasn’t gonna go ahead and get involved with somebody who was just gonna kill themself.” Johnny pulled his mouth into a straight line, looking away from Taeyong in shame. 

Taeyong was at a loss for words. He had always slipped between the seams of high school, but when his incident happened, everybody suddenly knew him. Taeyong, the guy who died. They pitied him. Johnny pitied him. To Taeyong, Johnny was probably just another one of them. Maybe that’s why he couldn’t remember him because eventually, they all start to mesh together. Eventually, he tuned them out. 

“That’s fair,” Taeyong replied because it was true. Nobody deserves to be hurt like that. Taeyong had never wanted to hurt anyone, but he had already done it the moment he picked up that pill bottle. 

Silence fell upon them. Taeyong hated silence. 

“You know, when all that shit happened,” he took a breath, the cold air burning his lungs, “I thought that I was the loneliest person. But then I had Yuta. He made everything so much better,” he said, a smile creeping onto his face towards the end. 

Johnny hummed in acknowledgment. Taeyong continued to look at the black sky. 

“Would’ve been nice to have somebody else there,” he added. It was unfair of him, but it was the truth. There was no point in guilting Johnny now. He just thought he should’ve said it. 

“I’m sorry,” Johnny said. His voice was soft with pity. 

Taeyong had to shut that down quickly. “No, none of that pity shit. Don’t say sorry. Don’t ever say sorry,” he stated firmly. Sorry never worked. 

“Alright,” Johnny agreed easily. “So, what are your thoughts on global warming?” 

Taeyong broke out into an ugly laugh. “You wanna get to know me and  _ that’s _ the first thing you ask?” he said between laughs. 

Johnny joined him in quiet laughs. “Hey, it’s a very important question,” he pressed with a mock stern face, which only caused Taeyong to laugh even more. 

So, he answered truthfully, along with all of the questions Johnny asked him. Johnny had done the same, answering every question Taeyong could think of at that moment. It went back and forth for a long time, their noses turning red with the biting cold. Yet, neither of them cared because their warm hearts filled that chill. Then, Yuta called Taeyong and it was time to go home. On the walk back, their hands bumped together. 

Johnny eventually took Taeyong’s bare hand and engulfed it with his warm gloved hand. As Taeyong looked down at their intertwined hand, Johnny gave him a smug smile. Yuta was there in the parking lot, sticking his head out of the window of his car. He shouted Taeyong’s name as Johnny stood in front of him with that soft gaze of his. 

“Let me take you out,” he stated. “Saturday. Dinner with yours truly.” He ended his sentence with a wink. 

Taeyong let out a shaky breath, looking off to the side. “I-I don’t.” He stopped himself. He put a small smile on his face and said, “I would love to.” 

-

Taeyong continued to visit Johnny almost every night following that night at the park. He couldn’t wait until Saturday to see him again. He would sit at the bar, watch Johnny hustle around. Even in his high, he couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He would always sit there with that dopey smile of his. Since Johnny owned the bar, he worked nearly every night. On weekdays, he usually tended the bar by himself with occasional help from the waitresses. Taeyong had committed his schedule to memory. 

He was about to leave the house to visit Johnny for the umpteenth time before Donghyuck’s shrilled shriek stopped him. Taeyong quickly ran to where Donghyuck stood in the kitchen. He had his hands clutched tightly around his phone, staring at it with horror. 

“What?” Taeyong asked with concern. “What’s going on?”

Donghyuck then got out of his trance and placed his phone carefully on the counter. He covered his mouth with a hand and paced around. Taeyong took that as permission to look at his phone. He picked it up and squinted to read the texts. It was a short conversation with long paragraphs. Taeyong huffed when he finished. 

“They just fucking cancelled on us!” Donghyuck shrieked when he noticed Taeyong was done. “What are we supposed to do now? We can’t hold a pop-up show if there isn’t a place to play,” he whined. 

Taeyong huffed again, used to Donghyuck’s dramatics. “Okay, it’s not the end of the world,” he started. “Maybe you can reschedule?” 

His little brother whipped around, freezing in place as a look of frustration took over his face. Taeyong just crossed his arms and rose an eyebrow as if he was saying  _ try me _ . Apparently, Donghyuck didn’t care about his scary older brother’s glares. 

“Are you stupid? We can’t reschedule. We said Friday. It’s Thursday,” he explained slowly. “It’s a pop-up show for a reason. We already told everyone on twitter about it.”

Taeyong placed his hands on his hips. “Don’t call me stupid. I think I can fix this,” he said. Donghyuck’s face quickly morphed into a relieved, hopeful expression. 

“Really?” he nearly squealed in excitement. 

He sighed. “Yeah, I might be able to pull some strings,” he said. “I’ll let you know, okay? Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.” 

Donghyuck cheered and skipped up to his room in excitement. Taeyong rolled his eyes in amusement before exiting the house with the keys. The drive never got any easier. He hated the traffic entering the city. But he still did it. Because he wanted to see Johnny’s stupid face. 

He showed up and it looked like a slow night since Johnny was just scrolling through his phone with a bored expression. Once Taeyong sat in front of him, Johnny brightened up. He moved closer to Taeyong, his arms spread out as he leaned against the counter. It took everything out of Taeyong to not look at the bulging muscles of Johnny’s arms. Instead, he showed his phone to him. 

“What’s this?” he asked, squinting at the screen. 

“My little brother’s band,” he explained. “He needs somewhere to play. They’re actually good and not just some teeny-bop band.” 

Johnny took a better look at the phone, actually listening to the audio of the video. He watched Donghyuck and his friends play on stage, and he was obviously impressed. 

“He’s got good stage presence,” he complimented. 

“So, do you think you can let them play here?” Taeyong asked, tucking away his phone in his pocket. 

Johnny looked around his bar, gaging its size. It was a pretty big bar with booths and a mini stage filled with high tables for people to eat. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Johnny shrugged casually. “As long as they help me move around some stuff.” 

Taeyong texted his brother quickly. And that’s how Johnny became their unofficial official manager. 

-

Saturday rolled around. Nervous was an understatement. He was in his room digging through his clothes. He barely had anything since he frantically packed, but he still had old stuff and some borrowed clothes from Yuta. 

“You are honestly worrying too much,” Yuta said as he laid across Taeyong’s bed. “It’s just Johnny.” 

Taeyong gasped and whirled around before throwing an article of clothing at his friend’s face. He turned back around to find the perfect shirt to go with his jeans. 

“He’s not  _ just Johnny _ . I really don’t wanna mess this up because he seems like a genuinely nice guy,” he said in response. 

Yuta scoffed. “They’re always nice when you first meet them,” he said bitterly. 

Taeyong slowly turned around with his shirt in hand. He looked at Yuta skeptically. His friend wasn’t exactly wrong, but from his tone, it sounded like he was hiding something. Johnny didn’t seem like the other guys, which sounds awfully cliche and naive. But it was how he felt. 

Donghyuck crashed through the door before Taeyong could ask any further questions. 

“Hello, big brother and friend,” he greeted. “So, where’s he taking you?” he asked curiously, light teasing tone to his voice. 

When Donghyuck met Johnny, he was very aggressive at first before Taeyong told him to back down. It was quite funny to see him stand up against somebody at least five inches taller than him. 

Taeyong pulled over the turtleneck over his head. He then added his mom’s long coat. After looking at his full body mirror, he twirled around with his arms extended. The grin on his face showed how truly excited he was. 

“Tada,” he sang. “The perfect cozy winter look, right?”

Yuta looked unimpressed. “You look like an American Eagle model,” he said blankly. 

“What’s wrong with that?” he huffed in defense. 

Donghyuck hummed. “It looks nice, but where is he taking you?”

Taeyong remembered the text Johnny sent him. He had just told him to dress comfy for the weather, but cute to walk around. He did promise dinner, but that’s all he knew. 

“I’m not sure,” he said. “I just know I’m getting dinner.” He grinned.

When he looked at Yuta, he still had that unimpressed look on his face. Taeyong didn’t have time to think about that right now. Right now, he was getting ready for his date with Johnny. That’s all that mattered. Not the way Yuta looked at him, not the way the pills called out to him, and definitely not the way he might fuck this all up. 

He was fine. 

“Okay, off I go,” he announced cheerfully. Donghyuck was already on his way out of his brother’s room, shouting a good luck before closing his door. 

Yuta got up to follow Taeyong out. Wrapped in his coat, he bit his lip and looked down with his hands stuffed into his pockets. Taeyong knew he was going to say something. He was still struggling to put on his shoes when he picked up on Yuta’s odd behavior.

“If you’re gonna say something, go ahead, dude,” he said. He stood up to his full height, confident in the way his shoes added a couple inches. 

Yuta sighed and ran a hand through his long platinum hair. “Just be careful, okay?”

“What do you mean?” he replied slowly. 

Yuta looked off to the side again, avoiding eye contact. “I’m just saying I’ve seen this before.”

Taeyong was growing impatient now. “Just tell me. Stop being so vague. In case you don’t know, I have a date waiting for me.” He walked out the door and Yuta followed before stopping in front of his blue car. 

As Taeyong was about to enter his own red car, Yuta called out his name. 

“Don’t replace your addiction with somebody else.” 

-

The date went well enough that Taeyong ended up staying at Johnny’s place. He took him to a nice Vietnamnese place before taking him to get some boba. To top it all off, they went ice skating. Johnny spent the whole thirty minutes wobbling around like a baby deer trying to balance himself. Taeyong had only laughed at him and held his hand to drag him along as he easily glided. 

After all that walking and ice skating it was nice to lay down. When they sat on Johnny’s couch, a k-drama playing on the TV, Johnny kissed him. Things quickly escalated and eventually, Taeyong found himself in Johnny’s bed with his face stuffed into a pillow and his hands held behind his back. His moans were probably loud enough to disrupt the neighbors. 

So, yeah, he found out that Johnny had a big dick and  _ definitely _ knew how to use it. 

In the afterglow, Taeyong and Johnny faced each other with adoring looks. Johnny had ignored his scars. That was all Taeyong could have asked. He traced Johnny’s jawline with a gentle finger, moving to his lips before kissing him again. 

“Wanna do something fun?” Taeyong whispered with a mischievous smile.

“And what we just did wasn’t fun enough?” Johnny chuckled. 

Taeyong gently pushed him before reaching over to the nightstand where he left his stuff. He finally found what he was looking for and his grin widened even more. Johnny was sitting up against the headboard, watching Taeyong’s every move. He saw the way Taeyong’s eyes lit up when he pulled out the colorful pills. 

The excitement causes him to straddle Johnny, leaning back into his lap. He pulled two pills out and Johnny watched intently. This was a dangerous game to play, and like always, Taeyong thought he knew how to play. It must’ve been the euphoria of sex and drugs that made his put the pill in his mouth and lick into Johnny’s mouth. He took it and Taeyong followed soon after. They waited for it to hit, lazily kissing each other before they both felt the warm numbing feeling. 

They stared at each other lovingly, giggling at the sensations. Taeyong felt so happy laying there with Johnny. He felt Johnny’s hand trace his face, which left a tingling sensation, which only led Taeyong into more giggles. 

Johnny giggled as well. “What are you giggling about?” Johnny’s words came out so slow and melodic. Taeyong could listen to him all day. He wouldn’t mind just hearing him talk.

Taeyong’s grin widened. “I’m so happy.”

Taeyong was so happy. He loved Johnny, and when Taeyong loves something, he pours his everything into it. 

  
  
  



	2. the first heartbreak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: there's no explicit description or scene of rape, but it is mentioned. i put *** before it starts and another *** once it's over. 
> 
> ***  
> taeyong opens up about a traumatic experience to johnny for the first time.

_ the first heartbreak _

When Taeyong was sixteen years old, he understood the feeling of death. It was shitty. Actually, it was calming at first, but then he woke up and he finally understood what true pain was. His stomach hurt so much and he was so, so tired. He was so tired. 

Taeyong was an understanding person, but he never understood why anyone would ever want to take care of him. Maybe that’s why he tried to numb it all away. 

Numbing himself makes him forget. It makes him forget all of the dirty things about himself. It removes the dirty hands, the dirty touches, the dirty looks. Taeyong just felt dirty. All of the time. He could never escape it, but then he took that stupid pill bottle from out of the cabinet and swallowed. If he could, he would travel back in time to that moment and smack it out of his own hands. 

But it was too late for that. Because now he’s got a problem again and it hurts. It hurts him to know he’s lying straight to his brother’s face. He hates his mother’s worried eyes. He hates it. The one thing he doesn’t hate is Johnny. 

_ Oh, Johnny. _ He’s such a dreamboat, don’t you think? If anyone could look inside Taeyong’s brain to see how much he adored Johnny, they might just grow concerned. It was concerning. How much he loved him. 

It had only been a month. They were celebrating Johnny’s birthday with his friends at his apartment. They had on their birthday hats and bright smiles as he blew out his candles in front of all of his friends. He had a lot of friends. Johnny was loved by a lot of people. 

“Happy birthday, baby,” he whispered into Johnny’s ear. 

Johnny grinned, genuine happiness filling his eyes. Maybe it was a trick of the light, but Taeyong saw stars in his eyes. A quick peck to his lips had all of the guests whistling. Taeyong had a beet red face at the sudden attention, and he buried his face into Johnny’s shoulder. The warm arm wrapped around his thin waist squeezed him. He could feel the shake of Johnny’s shoulder from his laughter. 

For the first time in what felt like forever, Taeyong felt happy without the drugs. He had been clean for two weeks, which is a victory in itself. He felt good about himself. There was something about being surrounded by Johnny that made him happier than any drug. 

Then, it went south very quickly. 

They were sitting in the living room when somebody pulled out a tin of perfectly rolled joints. Taeyong could feel himself swallow the lump in his throat harshly. Johnny was somewhere else in his apartment, probably somewhere in the kitchen drinking that awful beer he loves. He left Taeyong awhile ago, and it had been fine. He talked to the girls around him, and they cooed at his freshly dyed pink hair. It was fine. 

The people he had just met passed around the blunt. Taeyong could feel his hands sweating. Weed wasn’t exactly the worst drug he’s taken, but he could see where that could lead him. He wanted to stay clean. He wanted to stay clean for Donghyuck, his mom, Johnny. He didn’t want to break that on Johnny’s birthday. 

But Taeyong had always been a selfish person. 

About six pulls and three mango whiteclaws later, Taeyong stumbled into the small bathroom all by himself. He took the necklace off his neck and opened up the secret locket.  _ Thank you, Lana del Rey _ , he thought. Before he could stop himself, he looked under the house plant where Taeyong hid a small packet of white powder. Even in his state, he could remember when he put it there. It was awful of him. 

Then he took a sniff. So, call it a relapse, and Taeyong felt ten times shittier afterwards. He never thought before doing those kind of impulsive decisions. After staring at himself in the mirror for five minutes, he left the bathroom with a stinging nose and red puffy eyes. 

Johnny looked like he was on his way to his room to fetch something, but then he saw Taeyong stumble around his own feet. He caught him from falling with strong hands on his shoulders. Taeyong could feel his head roll around before he looked up at Johnny with a smile. He had a sad, worried look on his face, and that wasn’t right. Johnny should never be sad. 

Taeyong tripped forward as he went to grab Johnny’s face with his hands, but he missed and Johnny had to grab hold of his wrists so he wouldn’t hurt himself or Johnny. 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Johnny said quickly when Taeyong started to whine and tug his hands out. “I think it’s time you stopped.” His voice was so stern, Taeyong almost started crying right there. 

He didn’t protest when Johnny carried him to his bedroom. He was slung over Johnny’s shoulder, cheering out to someone who caught sight of them. He laughed loudly when Johnny slammed the door shut. 

He felt his body roughly hit the bed beneath him. Taeyong whined. “That hurt,” he pouted. 

Johnny locked the door and took a deep breath, as if to compose himself. Taeyong crawled up from the bed and starting kissing Johnny’s neck before his boyfriend pushed him away. He felt his heart burn at the sudden push. 

“What were you thinking?” Johnny asked, his voice still so stern. He sat Taeyong down by pushing his shoulders down. He stood above him. 

Johnny was looking down at him. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. Johnny scoffed. “No, no, I really am. I ruined your birthday, didn’t I?” 

The birthday boy sighed. “You didn’t ruin anything, Taeyong,” he reassured. Taeyong felt his sigh of relief. “Why, Yongie, why?” 

He didn’t want to cry, but he could feel the weight of his decisions at that moment when Johnny caressed his cheek. If a single tear left his eyes, Johnny wiped it away. 

“I didn’t mean to,” he said, his voice breaking. 

Johnny sighed before taking him into his arms. “I know, baby. I know,” he whispered into his hair. 

Taeyong felt like throwing up. He didn’t want to cry. So, he didn’t let himself cry. He just soaked in Johnny’s hug and buried himself there. 

“You’ll stick by me forever, right?” he asked, his voice still so quiet. 

“Forever,” Johnny promised. “Promise me you’ll never do that again. I get so scared.”

Taeyong could never promise that to anyone. He gave that empty promise out to almost everyone. It was futile at this point. Taeyong wanted to tell him he promised, but he couldn’t find it in himself to lie to Johnny. But then he remembered what he had said to him that cold night at the park. So, since Taeyong wasn’t ready to let Johnny go. 

He said, “I promise.” 

-

“Johnny’s having dinner,” Donghyuck paused, looking between his mom and brother, “with us.” 

Their mom nodded as she stirred the ladle. “Yes, and you will be  _ nice  _ to him.” 

Donghyuck gasped and looked over at Taeyong with a look of exasperation. He dramatically squawked and placed a hand to his chest. He spluttered around his words, which only made the two laugh at his reaction. 

“You’ve met him before, Hyuck,” Taeyong said. “It’s not a big shocker.” 

His little brother stomped his foot, demanding to have his point heard. Just as he opened his mouth, their mom stuffed his mouth with a spoon to try the food she had prepared. He hummed in approval, which made her beam. 

“It’s different this time. This time he’s your boyfriend,” he said before gagging. 

Taeyong rolled his eyes, and then the doorbell rang. He jumped from his seat and ran over to answer the door. He took a deep breath before he opened it with a wide smile. Johnny stood in front of him all dressed up. He had the nice orange turtleneck Taeyong told him he liked so much. He looked so lovely. 

“Came a little early,” Johnny said, handing over the flowers in his hands. “Hope you don’t mind.” 

Taeyong could feel the happiness seep out of him. The love and adoration was visible the moment Donghyuck looked at him. The teenager found it worrying, but he never said anything. Instead, he smiled at his brother’s boyfriend and left it at that. 

“Johnny, it’s so nice to meet you,” their mom chirped upon his arrival. She extended her arms out for a hug, which Johnny happily accepted. It was almost comical how he had to bend down to hug her. 

“Thank you for having me. Taeyong told me he learned all of his cooking skills from you,” he said. “I’m excited to taste whatever masterpiece you’ve cooked up.” 

Her cheeks immediately brightened and she clutched at Johnny’s bicep. Curse his charms. He’s got his mother in love with him now. 

“Oh, please. Thank you, dear,” she accepted graciously. “I hope you enjoy spicy because Taeyong absolutely despises it.”

At the dinner table, they fall into a comfortable conversation about music. Donghyuck was rattling off about the songs he wrote with Mark the other day. Johnny intently listened, giving suggestions and music recommendations. Johnny loved old school rock, so Donghyuck scrunched his nose at the mention of The Smiths. 

“Gross,” he said before taking another bite of his food. 

Johnny just chuckled. “This is really amazing, Mrs. Lee. Top tier, really,” he complimented. She cut in insisting he called her by her first name. He nodded before saying, “It’s a shame Taeyong can’t taste this deliciously seasoned beef.” He teasingly smiled. 

Taeyong hit on the arm before taking a bite of his tofu. “I’m a proud vegetarian.” 

“Vegetarians are always so high and mighty,” Donghyuck said through a mouthful of food. He swallowed and continued, “Always talking about how your body’s a temple, but then they go ahead and do a line of coke.” It should be funny. But Taeyong just tensed up. 

Donghyuck must have realized his mistake because his mouth dropped and the spoon in his hand clattered against the bowl. His mouth moved to say something, but nothing came out. Donghyuck still didn’t know Taeyong relapsed (so far as he known), but he still realized he should have never brought that up. 

Taeyong just laughed it off as a joke because that’s what he always does. Laugh off the trauma with a funny joke and hope they laugh along. Donghyuck and Taeyong never joked like that around each other because it was equally as traumatic for the both of them. They didn’t deal with it like that. 

“It’s okay, Hyuckie,” he said easily. “I’m all better now, so you don’t have to worry.”

Donghyuck still looked apologetic despite his brother’s claims. He didn’t touch the rest of his food for the rest of the night because he felt so sick after making that joke in front of his older brother. Taeyong had easily moved on from the comment as he began talking about different vegetarian recipes. He didn’t want his Donghyuck to worry. 

So, as they were cleaning up, Taeyong stopped Donghyuck by the hand. 

“Stop being so sad I already said it was no big deal,” he tried to say good naturedly. 

Donghyuck chewed his lip, unconvinced. “I know you relapsed, Taeyong,” he confessed. 

His heart dropped. He felt the guilt, the shame, the embarrassment, all bubbling up from within him. Taeyong suddenly couldn’t speak. His throat was too tight. He had so many explanations. He had so many reasons and excuses, but he didn’t have the strength to recite them. Taeyong had only watched Donghyuck’s blank face stare right back at him. 

“I know you wanna protect me or whatever, but I’m not twelve anymore,” he said. He made his way to the kitchen to help their mom wash the dishes.

Johnny was standing there too, laughing along at a joke Taeyong’s mom had just made. Ever the charmer. He was drying off the dishes, the sleeves of his turtleneck rolled up to his elbows. Taeyong watched the exchange. He watched as Johnny laughed and teased at Donghyuck. He watched as Donghyuck fell into a bright expression. Taeyong knew better than anyone that it was a front. Donghyuck was never good at faking his happiness. 

So, as he watched, he was glad he was clean. 

-

Johnny and Taeyong didn’t have their real fight until they were three months into their relationship. It was really stupid. Taeyong wishes they never had it because it honestly makes his brain hurt when he thinks about it now. 

It was no surprise to him when he found out Johnny was a little bit of a stoner. He had little trinkets around his apartment, so it was obvious. He didn’t let it affect him because Johnny never did anything in front of him. It made him trust his boyfriend ten times more. It didn’t affect him. But it did affect him when Johnny showed up at his door high, smelling like weed and grinning. 

“What the fuck?” Taeyong said at the sight of him. He quickly moves to stand outside and pull the door behind him. His brother was inside watching Infinity War with him, waiting for Taeyong to answer the door with a big bowl of popcorn. “What are you doing here?”

Johnny snorted out a laugh. “Seeing you, duh,” he replied, eyes hooded and smile curling. 

Taeyong was one hundred percent sober and seeing Johnny like this only made him angrier. He was two months clean. Johnny should have known better. Or maybe Taeyong never placed boundaries and made the mistake of trusting Johnny to be smart. Yeah. It was a mistake. 

“No, what are you  _ doing _ here?” he pressed again, arms crossed in front of him. The anger on his face must be transparent. 

Johnny’s smug smile dropped. His blank stare was even more intimidating. 

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” he snorted. “You honestly have a stick up your ass.” 

Taeyong’s mouth dropped and his eyebrows furrowed together even further, which was apparently hilarious because Johnny giggled behind his hand. 

“Excuse me?” he said, raising his voice. “What did you just say?” Johnny moved to enter the house, but Taeyong moved faster to stop him. “No, we are not letting Donghyuck see this.” 

Johnny rolled his eyes. “Baby, just let me in. I missed you,” he pouted. He went to hold Taeyong, wrapping his arms around his waist and kissing along his jawline, but Taeyong had just pushed him off, disgusted by the smell of weed. 

“If you really missed me, you would have showed up sober.” 

At those words, Johnny stepped back, walking down the porch. He dragged a hand over his mouth and shook his head. 

“You’re a lot of fucking work, you know that?” he scoffed. 

Taeyong felt a chill go throughout his body. And it wasn’t from the windy chill of the night. He pressed his crossed arms closer to his body. He hated confrontation. He especially hated it when the other person wasn’t sober. It scared him. He never had it in him to defend himself. But he wasn’t going to let Johnny speak to him like that. Not after all he had been through with Johnny. 

“No, I do not know that,” he said, lifting his chin in defiance. “Care to share?” 

He didn’t think Johnny would actually share. 

“Okay, well first of all, you’re a cokehead. Second of all, you cry all of the time, and lastly, you’ve got a whole lot of baggage. And you won’t let me in,” he explained. It hurt Taeyong more than he had wanted. His heart stung inside his chest. 

“I try so hard to be there for you. I hold you when you cry. I’m there when you’re having withdrawls, and I’m always there when you need me,” he continued. “And yet, you still hide so much from me.” 

Taeyong wanted to explain himself, but honestly, he just wanted to cry. Johnny was being mean to him. Maybe he had reason to and he hadn’t realized it at that moment. 

“Fuck you,” was all he could spit before he turned to slam the door in Johnny’s face. He leaned against the door before he realized something. He opened the door again to see Johnny walking away, dragging his feet. “Did you drive here?”

Johnny looked up from his shoes and rose an eyebrow. So he was stupid when he was high. Noted. 

“I said, did you drive here?” he asked again, clearer this time. 

His tall, hunched over boyfriend pointed over to his car. “Yeah,” he answered. 

Taeyong bit the inside of his bottom lip. Then, he opened the door wider before turning around and leaving it open for Johnny. As Johnny stepped through the door, Taeyong had already came back with a large bottle of febreeze. He sprayed him down before the smell nearly disappeared. 

“Take off your clothes,” he said. 

“Woah, babe, right here?” Johnny joked. 

Taeyong rolled his eyes. “Shut up. You know what I mean,” he mumbled, taking Johnny’s coat. 

He came back with a new pair of clothes for Johnny. The t-shirt was impossibly tight, and the shorts were high on his thighs. The two walked over to the couch in front of the TV, where Donghyuck sat scrolling through his phone with the movie paused. 

Taeyong took his spot next to Donghyuck, cuddling up to his younger brother. Johnny sat himself on the other side, far enough away from Taeyong to be noticable. 

“Thank god,” Donghyuck groaned. “We were just getting to the good part.” He unpaused the movie and that was that. 

-

Taeyong realized he had a problem with opening up to people. He couldn’t really do it as much as he didn’t want to. There was something in his head that was just blocking that part of communication. He heard about all of the problems Johnny was comfortable with sharing, and he was there to listen. He loved to listen. He would hold his head and brush his hair as Johnny rested his head on Taeyong’s lap while he shared the vulnerable parts of his life. 

Johnny had the same amount of problems like everybody else had. Everybody always had something. You don’t really know what someone has gone through until you really listen. Taeyong wanted to always listen to Johnny. He would share his comforting words, but he never said anything else. 

He doesn’t know what Johnny had expected from him. Did he want a recount documentary about his time in rehab? Did he want to know about all of the things Taeyong had done that summer before junior year? What did Johnny want from him? 

They laid on Johnny’s bed, naked bodies intertwined with the post-sex glow. Taeyong hummed as he traced Johnny’s torso tattoo. He was thinking about what Johnny had said not that long ago.  _ You still hide so much from me _ . 

Taeyong took a deep breath, inhaling Johnny’s cologne. He closed his eyes and readied himself for the conversation. 

***

“I was thirteen,” he started. He didn’t say anything else. He waited. 

Johnny craned his neck to look at Taeyong’s face, trying to read his emotions. “What?”

Taeyong took another deep breath. “He was our neighbor. When mom was out at work at night, he would take care of us sometimes.”

Johnny’s comforting hand began to gently rub back and forth against Taeyong’s back. The feeling was welcomed as he buried himself impossibly closer to Johnny. 

“I didn’t really know what was happening until he put his hand over my mouth,” he mumbled. “I couldn’t fall asleep for a week straight,” his voice shook and his lips wobbled. 

“Taeyong,” Johnny whispered. 

Taeyong continued. “After that, I felt so.” He paused. “I felt so dirty.” 

Feeling dirty is never a good feeling. It’s disgusting and it makes his skin crawl. Sometimes, when he was out in New York in a stranger’s bed, he would feel dirty. He would feel so dirty to the point where he whined for them to stop, but they never did. So, Taeyong would lay there, high off his mind, staring blankly in front of him. Feeling dirty. 

“I hated feeling like that. Every single day, I would crawl into my mom’s bed, even when she wasn’t there. And I would just cry. She never knew why.” 

He could feel his breath tightening. He could feel his lungs struggle to breathe. He tried to focus on the way Johnny’s hand bumped along his spine. 

“And then one day, at the neighborhood block party,” Taeyong laughed beneath his breath because it sounded so ridiculous, “he was there handing out snowcones.” 

Johnny hummed, reminding Taeyong that he was still there. He was always there. He would always be there. 

“Donghyuck just turned ten,” he smiled at the thought of his little baby brother, begging for him to get him a snowcone. Taeyong had felt like the world was moving against him. “Hyuck loves snowcones. So, I went to go get him one.” 

The hitch of Johnny’s breath was noticeable. Like he was preparing himself. 

“I couldn’t breathe. I had never felt dirtier until I saw him standing there with his wife, holding his baby.” Taeyong could have cried at that moment, but he had already cried about it so many times that it grew tiring. So, he just felt numb. “They thought I was choking. They sent me to the hospital and they gave me liquid valium.” 

He was reminded of the pill bottle of valium in his bag. Johnny hadn’t known about that, and he didn’t know if he was ready to reveal that part about himself. But he guessed it was a better idea to do it at that moment than anywhere else. 

“I was never prescribed, but I wanted to feel that calm and numb again so bad. I wanted to forget that the world was still going on around me. I got my hands on some things. And to this day, I can’t live a day without it.” 

Once Taeyong was finished, after a long pause, Johnny squeezed him into a hug. Taeyong didn’t cry, but he did shake. He didn’t feel dirty in Johnny’s arms. He felt safe. The sense of safety was the most comforting feeling in the world. Johnny didn’t say anything, he just held him. He didn’t say any pitying words. He didn’t curse. He just held him. 

And that was all he needed. 

***

After that, Taeyong worried that Johnny would view him differently. It was why he was always so scared to share that part of him. One day, he’ll be able to talk about it without choking on his own breath. But Johnny hadn’t treated him any different. He would still tease him and visit him and give him free pineapple strawberry mojitos. He had been worrying about nothing. 

All was good. 

Until it wasn’t. 

Seven months into their relationship, it all went to shit. 

Taeyong was alone in his room. He had his mac in front of him, the DAW staring right back at him with his midi board and headphones. The bottle of smirnoff was already halfway empty by the time he concluded that everything was absolutely shit. He pulled at his hair and nearly screamed in frustration. He couldn’t do it. It all sounded so fucking horrible. He got up with a grunt and pushed his stuff away with more force than necessary. He paced his room slowly, hands buried into hair. 

His mind was screaming with thoughts. He was worthless. He was never talented. He was never going to succeed. He was a failure. All he had worked so hard for had gone to waste. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted it all to go away. 

In a quick second, Taeyong locked his door. 

Then he took quick steps to his luggage, the same luggage he brought months ago, and searched for something,  _ anything _ . He could hear the cries leaving his mouth as he grew frustrated at the lack of anything that could get this aching feeling out of his head. The stuff in his luggage was thrown everywhere, and he looked absolutely manic as he screamed in frustration. He couldn’t find anything. 

A gentle knock on his door nearly brought him back down to earth. He knew it was Donghyuck, but he couldn’t deal with facing his brother that night. 

“Go the fuck away, Donghyuck!” he shouted, pounding on the wall hard enough to make anyone jump. 

His little brother tried to open the door, which was a stupid idea in the first place because he didn’t know what kind of headspace Taeyong was in. Yet, he still tried. 

“Taeyong? Taeyong, open this fucking door,” he demanded, his voice sounding more frantic. He sounded so much older. 

Taeyong ignored him in favor of continuing his search. He flipped over his matress and found it. Finally. The sound of the doorknob rattle wasn’t enough for Taeyong to come back to earth. He lined it up on his desk, quickly grabbed a dollar bill laying around. And he relapsed. 

It felt so good for a good two seconds before he heard Donghyuck’s frantic voice on the other side of the door. His voice was cracking and he sounded like he was crying. Taeyong didn’t care at that moment. He lined up another and did the same. 

“Fuck,” he grunted as he rubbed his nose harshly. 

“Please, Johnny,” Donghyuck’s panicked voice begged. “Johnny, please, I’m so fucking scared. He’s not opening the door. I don’t-I don’t know what to do.”

Taeyong couldn’t take it anymore. He never could. He found a random pill bottle laying around and knocked it back. He hoped that was enough to drown everything out. He passed out before he could do his third line. 

  
  


When he woke up, Johnny had three fingers down his throat. And not the sexy kind. He threw up. It was disgusting. He also realized he was under the harsh spray of cold water, which was dumb because that doesn’t actually sober somebody up.

Johnny still had fingers down his throat, gagging him even more causing even more puke to come out. Taeyong had enough and pushed Johnny off of him. He sat in the tub, crying with the cold shower pouring down on him. He buried his face into his knees and sobbed. He couldn’t look up because if he did, he would have to see Johnny. Donghyuck’s cries were so familiar that he could recognize the way he cried with Taeyong. 

His boyfriend reached over to turn of the spray of the shower. Taeyong still shook. There was a warm towel wrapped around him a second later. Taeyong finally let himself look up. He saw the way Donghyuck looked at him, whimpered an  _ oh my god _ before covering his mouth and turning around to exit the bathroom. It only made Taeyong feel shitty. He hated himself so much. 

“What do you wanna do?” Johnny asked, his voice careful and gentle. 

Taeyong sighed. “Can we go to your place? My room is a mess,” he mumbled. 

And of course, Johnny took him. 

It was quiet, aside from the bustle of the city night. They moved around the apartment almost routinely. Taeyong took off his shoes while Johnny went to go set up the bath. Taeyong sat on the couch. Feeling numb as he stared out in front of him, he waited until Johnny went to get him. 

As Johnny extended his hand out for Taeyong, his scratched up voice asked, “Johnny, will you take a bath with me?” His voice was quiet. You could almost miss it. 

“Of course,” Johnny’s voice was even quieter. 

They got into the warm water, surrounded by bubbles. One of Johnny’s vinyls was playing. He recognized it as Hold Me Now by the Thompson Twins. Taeyong just rested his head against Johnny’s chest, leaning back so he could wrap his arms around Taeyong’s waist. As time passed, they shifted and his grip tightened around Taeyong’s waist. He had his forehead resting against the nape of Taeyong’s neck now. He kissed the small knob there. 

“I can’t follow you to the end if you aren’t able to follow me to the end,” he whispered. 

Johnny was shaking with a starting sob. Small jerks of his shoulders let Taeyong know he was crying. Johnny cried for him, and Taeyong felt numb as he couldn’t cry anymore. Taeyong knew he would never hurt anyone, but he already had so many times. He continued to hurt everyone around him with his addiction. He should give it up all for the, but addiction doesn’t work so easily. He wishes it could be that easy. 

-

The day after, he woke up with his arms wrapped around Johnny. Johnny loved being the little spoon and Taeyong did not hesitate one bit before wrapping himself against Johnny. 

He flipped around onto his back to look at the clock behind him. It was easy in the morning, just about to be one. He got up from the bed, walked to the kitchen and began cooking. It eased his mind and allowed him to think about something else besides the sound of Johnny’s cries. 

By the time he was almost done with cutting the strawberries, Johnny left the room and joined Taeyong by the kitchen counter. He rested his head against his arms, leaning down and watching Taeyong cut the strawberries into small little pieces. 

“You sleep alright? It’s literally one in the afternoon, babe,” he asked Johnny, gathering up the chocolate chip pancakes for Johnny. He made it all pretty with whipped cream and strawberries. He even made a smiley face out of chocolate syrup off the side of the plate. 

Johnny smiled as Taeyong placed the pretty plate in front of him. “Yeah,” he replied. He took a bite of the pancake and hummed. “Are you gonna have some? It’s your birthday. Why don’t you eat some?” he asked as he noticed Taeyong was just standing there watching him eat. 

Taeyong smiled easily. “I ate before you came out.” It was a blatant lie. But he didn’t feel like eating. Not after last night. He had a mug of tea in his hands, and he was content. He leaned against the counter behind him and sipped his tea. 

Johnny was nearly done with his pancakes when he put down his forks. “We need to talk about what happened last night.”

Taeyong tapped his finger on the side of the mug. His tea had already ran cold. 

“I don’t really think I wanna talk about it,” he said. He looked up from staring at his tea. Johnny was staring at him with a blank look. 

He sighed, rubbing the spot between his eyebrows. Johnny was tired. But Taeyong was exhausted. 

“Look, I know you know we can’t keep doing this,” he said. 

“Doing what?” Taeyong asked quickly. 

Johnny looked pain. “Me picking you up when you relapse. You promising you’ll never do it again. I don’t know how long I can do this.” His voice dropped towards the end, genuine sadness filling his words.

Taeyong felt his hands shaking, so he gripped the mug tighter. 

“What are you trying to say?” he mumbled. He already knew the answer. 

Johnny avoided Taeyong’s gaze. “Come back to me when you’re sober, Taeyong,” he said. “For real.”

And that was it. 

  
  


It was his birthday. He had just gotten his heart broken. And he didn’t know what to do. He just hurt. He walked along the city streets with no real destination. He just walked. There were people all around him, but he felt so alone. So distanced. 

So, Taeyong did the first thing that came to his mind. He pulled out his phone and called Yuta. 

“Hey,” he said once Yuta picked up on the third ring. 

“ _ You bitch _ ,” Yuta laughed on the other side of the line. It wasn’t malicious. “ _ You haven’t talked to me in forever and you say hey _ ?”

Taeyong realized he was a shitty friend. But he didn’t know what to do, and Yuta was always a constant. Even when he was actively dating Johnny, he would still send cat videos to Yuta. 

“I’m sorry, really. I’ve just been so distracted lately,” he sighed. “Do you wanna meet me downtown?” 

He could practically see Yuta raising his eyebrow. “ _ You wanna go clubbing on your birthday? What happened, honey _ ?” he asked. 

Taeyong didn’t feel like answering questions. “Just come down won’t you? I’ve been walking around forever.” 

Yuta gasped. He heard the clinking of Yuta’s keys and knew he was already on his way out. “ _ You’re already there _ ?”

“Yeah. Text me when you get here, okay?” 

“ _ Okay _ ,” he said before hanging up. 

Taeyong held the phone to his ear. Just to make it seem like he wasn’t alone. 

  
  


Yuta must have sped because he was there in twenty minutes instead of the usual thirty. When he spotted him, he was sitting outside on one of the cafe tables, peacefully drinking his caramel frappuccino and nibbling at the chocolate croissant. 

“Jesus, have you eaten?” Yuta asked earnestly, hugging Taeyong in greeting. “You look ghostly,” he teased. It was a joke, so Taeyong laughed. 

Taeyong coughed, taking another bite of his croissant, pointedly taking a big bite. 

“I ate before you came here,” he said. It was about three, so there wasn’t anything to exactly do except for wait until night rolled around. 

Yuta sat with him after he ordered a frappucino himself. He sipped on it as he explained his crazy business to Taeyong, complaining about all of the fucked up incidents he’s had. 

“Enough about that,” he sighed, rolling his eyes. “What are you gonna tonight, birthday boy? Where’s your lover boy? Shouldn’t you guys be having freaky sex right now?” 

Taeyong laughed his ugly laugh and shook his head softly. “Um, something … popped up.” The pause was enough for Yuta to understand. 

His wide beaming grin encouraged Taeyong. He pulled his friend up and wrapped his arm around Taeyong’s thin shoulders. They walked around like that for awhile before Yuta stopped in front of a store. The words  _ Kinky _ hung above the store. Taeyong didn’t have to squint to realize what kind of store it was. 

“Yuta,” he laughed. “What are we doing here?”

His friend smiled brighter. “Everybody deserves freaky sex on their birthday. And you definitely will not achieve that in those clothes.” 

He gestured down to Taeyong’s boring white t-shirt and black jeans. He didn’t exactly have time to plan a whole outfit when he was shaking from shock. But he doesn’t tell Yuta that. 

  
  


By the time it’s dark and all of the young adults are out to crucify their livers, Taeyong was walking down the street with his arms covering his midriff. He got a few glances, which made him mildly uncomfortable. 

Yuta grabbed his arms away from the bare skin and laughed when Taeyong shrieked. “Oh come on. You cannot tell me you are not feeling yourself right now.” 

Taeyong laughed. “Okay, yeah.” His grin widened as his friend tugged him along by the end. Yuta shared the same wide smile. He got nostalgic as he remembered his nights like this. 

Not at all legal Taeyong walking down the same streets with his friends, feeling invincible. He missed that feeling. Their nights out allowed them to make a few friends. The line to the most popular gay club was long, but the two of them confidently walked to the front. A few people cursed at them, but Yuta just winked and continued his way. 

“Key, how’ve you been, doll?” he shouted with that sunshine grin of his. Taeyong immediately relaxed at the sight of an old friend and Yuta’s enthusiasm. 

The owner of the club turned around and gasped before jumping to hug Yuta, forgetting about the conversation he was having with his bouncers. He then caught sight of Taeyong, and his eyes softened. 

“Oh, Tyongie, baby,” he cooed. He pinched his cheeks fondly. “How’ve you been, babes? How’s the Big Apple treating you?”

Taeyong gave him a warm hug before answering truthfully. “Suffocating,” he sighed. “Thought I should come back for a while.” 

Key smiled at him before leading them inside, the groans of partygoers loud behind them. But then the familiar loud music quickly replaced the noises outside. The bright colorful lights nearly blinded him before he got used to it. Key gasped before writing twenty one on the back of their hands. 

Yuta scowled down at it. “Since when have you guys done this?” he asked. 

Key groaned. “Safety procedures and whatever. Most of them have fakes anyways, so it’s really just useless.” Somebody called his name, and he quickly turned to see who it was. He smiled back at the boys. “You boys have fun!” 

Yuta offered his hand, palm up waiting for Taeyong to accept, which he did. “We shall,” he cheered. They made their way to the bar. Yuta had to shove his way between guys to get the bartender’s attention. “A plate of fireball shots please and can you mix in some jello shots, too?” 

The bartender rose his eyebrow unimpressed, but then Yuta gave him that smile. He just scoffed and went to go get them their jello shots. Taeyong looked around to process all that was happening. It had been awhile since he had been in that type of scene, but he felt himself fall back into old routines. 

The nice bartender returned with the plate, and sure enough, the jello shots were there too. Taeyong and Yuta threw the shots back, simultaneously hissing at the nasty taste, but they had come there with one purpose. Get white girl wasted. He didn’t even eat anything, so you already know he was going to get shitfaced  _ fast _ . 

He quickly took the jello shot to get something slightly sweet in him. 

“Hey,” Taeyong said suddenly as Yuta picked up his second shot. His friend tipped his head in acknowledgement. “Do you have any blow on you?” he asked, close to his ear. 

He pulled back to see Yuta’s face. He seemed like he was having an internal conflict. But then he takes out the small tube filled with white powder, discreetly showing Taeyong. He reacted with a wide grin. They then tipped the rest of their shots in. 

Taeyong was stumbling on his feet by the time they were on their way to the bathroom. A lot of people were sucking face, and that always made him uncomfortably but twisted Taeyond didn’t care. 

All he cared about was his destination to the bathroom stalls with Yuta. They giggled as they entered vacant stall. Yuta took out his keys, digging into the tube to sniff it up quickly. He scrunched his nose before he was digging in again for Taeyond and holding it up to his friend’s nose. They take two more before they stumble out of the bathroom. 

Taeyong held onto Yuta’s shoulder as they made their way to the dance floor. They quickly fell into the rhythm and danced to the beat. Taeyong would call himself a good dancer, and it’s confirmed as he felt a pair of hands grab his hips. Taeyong leaned further into stranger, widening his eyes at Yuta’s grinning face. Yuta moved to find his own prospect. 

Taeyong continued to dance with the stranger, doing so much as swinging his arm over the man’s neck while his ass was still pressed against his front. There was something Taeyong always did to see if the guy was cute. He pulled out his phone and opened the snapchat app, which nowadays he only used for memories. The stranger didn’t protest as Taeyong raised his phone. He had actually looked right at the camera before sucking a bruise on Taeyong’s neck. Okay, he was hot. He was exactly Taeyong’s type. 

But not the kind he could fall in love with. 

“What’s your name, baby?” the stranger asked in a sultry tone. Taeyong nearly tensed at the pet name. Johnny would call him baby. But Taeyong was twisted and refused to think about Johnny. 

Taeyong shivered as his hands moved to brush across his navel. “Taeyong,” he said breathlessly. 

Fast forward two songs ahead, and Taeyong’s was getting railed in the bathroom stall. He didn’t care if his moans were loud because the stranger, who he later found out was named Sehun, was rearranging his guts. He felt so euphoric on top of the buzzing happiness of the drugs and alcohol. 

Sehun snapped his hips at a fast pace, which was exactly what Taeyong needed. He needed someone rough to get rid of the silent growing sadness. No, he couldn’t kill his boner with sad Johnny thoughts. So, he focused on the feeling of being full. 

Right as Taeyong was about to come, Sehun pulled out and twisted Taeyong around, forcing him onto his knees.  _ Rude _ . He held the back of his head and Taeyong stuck his tongue out and looked up with those wide innocent eyes. That always drove them crazy. And it had worked because there was sticky come on his face now, some sticking to his hair. 

“Thanks,” Taeyong said sarcastically. Asshole didn’t even offer to help get the come out or return the favor. So, Taeyong stood in the stall alone with toilet paper dabbing around his face and a raging boner. 

He willed it away and sighed as he exited the stall. His high was sadly wearing off, but apparently it still had that kick because as Taeyong stared at himself in the mirror. The led lights in the bathroom were purple, and there were so many people milling about behind him. A few bumped into him, but he didn’t care. 

He could only see a disgusting face looking right back at him. 

-

The week after his birthday was equally as chaotic. Taeyong had downloaded the awful grindr app to find guys who were ready to ruin him. It was Saturday night when he laid across his bed with his face directly in front of the fan. His cotton tiny shorts weren’t doing anything to combat the heat. He scrolled throughout the app to find anyone worthy of his time. 

There was always a guy with an asian fetish.  _ Gross _ . He found someone who claimed to be a “dominant daddy.” Taeyong decided to take the bait. They sexted for a good five minutes. It was mostly the other guy promising to rock his world and Taeyong responding with “really?”

“Hey, I have a gig tonight at Johnny’s and I’m staying at Mark’s, okay?” Donghyuck said, suddenly appearing. “Don’t do anything stupid,” he added before retreating back to his room to get ready. 

Taeyong thought about it for a quick second. “Wait, Hyuckie, who’s picking you up?” Taeyong was usually the one who drove his brother down to Johnny’s bar to support his little brother’s band and ogle at his own hot boyfriend. 

But he couldn’t really do that now. 

Donghyuck came back while he was patting the blush onto his face. “Johnny,” he answered quickly before retreating back to his room. Okay, so that was settled. But wait. What was Johnny doing in town?

“Wait, what’s Johnny doing in town?” he shouted again. 

Donghyuck groaned, eyelash curler still pressed on his lashes. “I don’t know. He said he was here already for something. I dunno, why don’t you ask him?” he said sarcastically, even though he knew damn well what happened between them. 

“Twerp!” he shouted at his brother. 

“Slut!” Donghyuck shouted back. Taeyong cackled loudly at the irony. 

The guy on grindr told him he was thirty minutes away, which was enough time to avoid his brother intercepting with his dick appointment. He clicked his phone off and dug through his drawers to find his sexy panties. He hadn’t worn them in awhile. 

He slid them on, looking back at his ass in the body length mirror. Then, he went over to his vanity to pretty himself up. Johnny used to say he never had to do that because he was beautiful enough without the makeup. But now they’re on a break. And Johnny’s not there to tell him. And he’s not wearing the sexy panties for Johnny. He’s wearing them for somebody else. 

By the time he was done putting on his mascara, he got the notification. He opened it, and once he read the message, he was mortified. His dick appointment was five minutes away. 

“Yongie,” his little brother sang. “Johnny’s almost here you better go ahead and hide.”

He saw his older brother’s outfit and immediately knew. He dropped his face into an unimpressed expression. 

“You really are a slut,” he said blankly.

Taeyong rolled his eyes and chuckled as he lightly shoved his brother’s shoulder while leaving his room. He headed for the kitchen to grab some water bottles to keep on hand because Taeyong always believed in good aftercare. Even if he’s doing it himself.

He grabbed the water bottles and placed them nearly wherever because he never knew where these guys wanted to fuck him. He passed by their large mirror, and for a quick second, he let himself admire himself. He pulled up his cotton shorts up and purposely slid the sleeves of his large white t-shirt off his shoulder. 

Donghyuck gagged as he grabbed the last water bottle from his hand. Taeyong scoffed, smirk on his face, but then the doorbell rang. And the two brothers froze. 

“So, who’s it gonna be?” Donghyuck snorted. He wiggled his eyebrows playfully. “Here, let’s open the door together and it can be a nice surprise.” It sounded like the worst idea ever. So, he told Donghyuck exactly that. 

He groaned. “Come on, you’re so boring,” he dragged. “I’ll let you play Super Smash Bros on my console.”

“Fine.” That was what convinced him. He should’ve stuck with his gut. 

Because the moment Taeyong pulled open the door, his heart literally fell out of his ass. The sight mortified him. His mouth dropped as his eyes processed everything happening. Donghyuck was only laughing. There Taeyong stood in his dick appointment outfit. While Johnny stood there, looking good as ever. He raised his eyebrows at Taeyong with what looked like unamusement. But then. The worst of it all. 

His dick appointment was literally walking up their driveway. Donghyuck laughed even louder. The guy slowed his steps as he noticed the other people. He was  _ big _ . Like the beefcake 90’s gay porn star beefcake. 

“Uhm, so which one of you is TY?” he asked, obviously confused by the laughing teenager. 

Johnny hadn’t moved to look at the beefcake. He only stared at Taeyong with a blank look. The coldness in his eyes made him shiver. 

“C’mon, Hyuck,” Johnny said, still staring him down with that cold expression. “We don’t wanna ruin TY’s night.” 

Johnny finally looked over at the beefcake, looking him up and down. He had his hands in the pockets of his shorts as he glared at the beefcake. Donghyuck was still laughing behind his hand. Johnny finally finished his stare down before it escalated into a fist fight or something like that. He turned back at Taeyong with an even colder expression. 

“Have fun,” he said, absolutely no emotion behind his voice. 

The two left to Johnny’s car, Donghyuck’s fleeting laugh still filling the empty suburban street. 

Taeyong didn’t wait until they drove off, he immediately turned back to his dick appointment and smiled that sweetly seductive smile of his. 

“You wanna do something fun?” he asked, pulling the man inside. 

  
  


Two lines later and two orgasms later, Taeyong was whimpering as his dick appointment fucked him from behind in front of his vanity. He watched himself, debauched. He found himself staring deeply at himself. Not in the sexy way. He thought about Johnny’s reaction. He thought about the way Johnny looked at him like he was nothing. 

Before he could stop it, Taeyong was crying. Tears streamed down his face, and his dick appointment took it as the sexy cry, spitting nasty words at the crying boy. Taeyong had only sobbed, which kind of sounded like the sexy kind, but he was the only one aware of that because he suddenly felt the warmth of the come paint his ass. 

The other man was panting, smacking Taeyong’s ass as Taeyong stayed still. Hands clenched on his vanity. Still leaning into his reflection. He watched the way his tears fell. Johnny would always tell him how much of a pretty crier he was. Because Taeyong would cry at every sad k-drama scene. 

“Um, are you okay?” the stranger asked. The stranger. 

Taeyong told him to see himself out, still staring at his reflection. The guy must have gotten freaked out because he’s out of there quickly. Taeyong heard the door close before letting out a broken sob. It was raw. The kind of sob that made your throat sting. The kind of sob that made your head pound. He sank down to the floor, curled up in a ball, trying to hug himself.

He felt dirty. 

-

Taeyong saw Johnny again almost two days after the incident. 

He didn’t mean to. How was he supposed to know Johnny would be his local Sally’s? 

He turned into the bleach aisle before spotting Johnny’s tall figure. That was definitely Johnny. And someone else. He quickly tried to turn quickly enough to avoid the two, but then the worst happened. 

Person two knew his name. 

“Oh my god, Taeyong!” the voice called out cheerfully. It took everything in him to slowly turn around and plaster a fake smile. The kind of fake smile that hurts your cheeks. 

Standing in front of him was the prettiest girl he had ever seen. She won spring queen twice. She was voted best smile. She was the prettiest girl in town. And she was grinning at him. Joy Park was smiling at him with that best smile winner smile. 

“Joy,” he chirped back, completely ignoring Johnny’s presence. “It’s so nice to see you here,” he said. Johnny snickered as he detected the complete bullshit he was spewing. 

“I’m just here to get some bleach and dye. I’m going light pink! Johnny’s here to help me out since he’s so good at changing his hair color,” she said cheerfully. Joy was a nice girl. She never question Taeyong or ignored Taeyong. She was actually the sweetest girl he had ever met. 

But at that moment, Taeyong felt nothing but distaste fill his mouth as she leaned into Johnny. 

Johnny still stared at him with that cold stare. 

“Oh my god, that’d look so cute,” he replied with a faker smile. It never reached his eyes. “Well, uh, good luck. I’m getting some bleach. I’m going light blue,” he said with a laugh under his breath. 

For one last time, he looked at Johnny. He grabbed the tub of bleach and quickly moved to the dye section of the store. It was such a small store that he could hear their entire conversation. She had a nice voice. 

He grabbed the blue and the diluter. He had to get out of there. Taeyong paid and left the store, the bells ringing behind him. He tried to get to his car as quickly as possible. But he was too slow because he heard the steps behind him. 

“Taeyong,” he heard that damn warm voice call for him. “Can I talk to you for a second?” 

Taeyong whirled around, looking at Johnny with an angered expression. Yet, the sadness seeped through. 

“What could you possibly want to talk to me for?” he snapped. “Seems like you’ve got a nice girl to keep you entertained. Why don’t you go talk to her, huh?” 

The thing is, Johnny and Taeyong never  _ officially _ broke up. It was a break. It was a break for Taeyong to get himself together. Yet, he still felt all of the emotions of heartbreak. 

“Like you’re one to talk,” Johnny countered, his voice more stable than Taeyong’s. 

“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?” he hissed. 

Johnny took a huge sigh. “Look, I just came to tell you that I’m worried about you, okay? Yuta’s been telling me some stuff and so is Hyuck.” He ended it with a shrug. 

Pure anger and venom filled Taeyong’s body. He straightened up, even raising slightly. “You don’t get to fucking worry about me anymore,” he spat. “You don’t have the right to ask my friends or my brother about me.”

Johnny looked more bothered than anything. 

“Will you just shut the fuck up and listen for one damn minute?” Johnny raised his voice. He raised his voice at Taeyong. He was never good at reacting to that. He slumped. “Taeyong, I told you to get  _ better _ , baby.” 

He could feel the tears at the pet name. “No, no you can’t call me baby anymore,” he whimpered. He cleared his throat before speaking. “I’m two days clean. From everything.” 

Johnny’s anger softened and he looked at Taeyong with a softer, warmer gaze. The cold stare was gone. He looked like he genuinely cared about him. 

“Good,” Johnny said shortly. 

The proud look on Johnny’s face made him break. He was full on crying now.  _ Fuck _ , he was such a pathetic crier. Yuta told him it was because he was a Cancer. 

“I felt so dirty, Johnny,” he cried. His love immediately took him into his arms. He surrounded himself in those familiar protective arms. “That night you picked Hyuck up,” he hiccuped, “I felt so dirty.” 

Johnny rocked them back and forth. “You’re clean. You’re clean. You’re clean, baby,” he whispered into Taeyong’s hair. He kissed his head and let Taeyong cry in his arms. 

“You’re clean.” 

  
  



	3. the toxic love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: eating disorders are discussed in this chapter i put *** before and after
> 
> play loners by kali uchis on repeat lol
> 
> *** renjun has developed unhealthy coping mechanisms that makes taeyong want to intervene, but johnny reminds him he can't save everyone.

_ the toxic love _

The rest of the summer passed by wonderfully. They spent their days at the beach at cheap Airbnbs. Taeyong was nicely tanned and so in love in the summer. His hair smelled like the salty water of the Maryland shores. Johnny also had a nice tan going on, and his hair had grown by the time early August came around. So, when he would surf, Taeyong would look from his beach towel and admire the view. He loved his surfer boyfriend. 

They officially announced the end of their break quickly after they made up and were back to being disgustingly in love. At some point, the Airbnbs got expensive and Taeyong would pout whenever they came back home. But then Donghyuck told him he had a rich friend, who’s grandparents barely ever used their fancy ass beach house. Apparently, they lived in Florida now. 

“You’re really just going to let me and Johnny crash at your grandparents’ beach house?” he asked, still slowly processing Jaemin’s words. 

Jaemin beamed a kind smile. That kid was like a carebear. “Yeah, totally!” he kindly answered. So kind. 

So, that’s how he found himself at a fancy ass beach house right next to a pretty beach. 

The sun was setting and the windows were open, sounds of the soothing tide entrancing them. The curtains flowed along with the wind. And as Johnny laid back, hands tight on Taeyong’s hips, he admired him in the soft orange glow of the sun. The way his hair fell in front of his eyes, the way he whined and lost balance before Johnny was right there, holding him. He admired it all. 

He looked like an angel. Johnny remembered how Taeyong joked about being an angel back in January, and he had been just as angelic then as he was at that moment. 

Taeyong gasped, his pink lips falling open in a silent scream and he had come undone. He rolled his head to the side as he hummed and closed his eyes, enjoying the way Johnny’s cock filled him up. 

“You’re beautiful,” Johnny said quietly. The adoration was clear in his voice. 

Taeyong laughed lightly before leaning down to catch Johnny in a slow kiss. He pulled away slowly, watching the way Johnny stared at him. He blushed at the attention, smacking his boyfriend’s chest for no reason. Johnny just gasped and laughed with Taeyong before flipping them around so Taeyong laid back on the soft white sheets. 

His newly dyed black hair was sweaty. As he leaned back, he could see the way Johnny’s breath hitched. Taeyong was breathtaking. 

“Stop it,” he said in a fake stern voice. Johnny just giggled some more. 

“What? I can’t admire my sexy, beautiful, gorgeous, amazing boyfriend?” he said, placing a kiss all over Taeyong’s face and neck with each adjective. 

Taeyong grinned at the compliments. He tilted his head to the side, still looking up at Johnny. It was such a moment that made them feel like time had just stopped. Like it was just the two of them. They didn’t think about anything else. They only thought about the love they had blooming between them. 

“Alright, come on,” Taeyong said, breaking that moment. “Get your dick out of me,” he added, pushing lightly at Johnny’s shoulder. The other just winked, gently pulled out and rolled off of him.

They practically skipped to the fancy shower, and if Taeyong slapped Johnny’s ass a couple times, that could be discussed. 

Under the spray of the hot water, the two began washing each other’s hair. Taeyong got the smell of citrus to replace the smell of the ocean. As he washed Johnny’s hair, he cursed through laughter because Johnny was shrieking in pain when the suds got into his eyes. 

“Stop whining, you big baby,” Taeyong said between light laughs. He helped get the soap out, and Johnny opened his red irritated eye to glare mockingly. 

As the moon replaced the sunlight, Taeyong was held in the safe arms of his lover. He rested peacefully knowing he was loved. He stared up at the soft glow of the moonlight, letting the sounds of the waves lull his sleep. The scent of seawater and lavender candles surrounded him. But most importantly, the scent of Johnny’s cologne surrounded him. 

  
  
  


They left the next day because Johnny had to return to his bar owner duties. Taeyong didn’t want to say goodbye to the beach, so as he blasted Lana del Rey’s High by the Beach, he let his hair blow through the wind as he stuck his torso out of the window. He let his hands reach out to the clouds. 

Johnny had an arm around him, just to make sure he didn’t fall. He was singing along, nodding along to the melodic tune. With one hand on the wheel, Johnny looked hot with his raybans and tropical button-up on. His tropical shirt was unbuttoned, exposing his abs. Taeyong swung back inside of the car and sang the lyrics against Johnny’s ear. Johnny’s ear was read from how much he was blushing. 

As the song switched to Freak, Taeyong had already known what he had to do. As the beat dropped, he raked his fingers down Johnny’s abs, whispering the lyrics into his flustered boyfriend’s ear. 

“You keep it up, and I’m gonna have to pull over real quick,” Johnny said, amused but completely honest. Taeyong laughed and sat back kicking up his bare feet onto the dash. 

Johnny smirked and held out his hand for Taeyong to hold. So he held on. He held on and he never wanted to let go. 

-

He came home to a sobbing Donghyuck. Taeyong saw his little brother curled up in a ball with his yellow trunks on and nothing else as he cried. He immediately dropped his stuff and kneeled down in front of his baby brother. Taeyong brushed back Donghyuck’s orange bangs continuously, looking up at Johnny to tell him to grab a water bottle. 

“Hey, hey, Hyuckie, hey,” he said softly. Donghyuck just hiccuped with a cry. “Baby, what’s wrong. Tell me what’s wrong.” 

Donghyuck inhaled deeply and opened his mouth to speak, but then he quickly began sobbing again. Johnny came back with the water bottle and mouthed if he should go somewhere else. 

“Just put our stuff in my room, kay? I’ll be up soon,” he said quietly. He let Donghyuck’s cries quiet down, just brushing his hair with his fingers. 

His little brother sighed, his eyes puffy from his sob session. “Mark’s leaving,” he said, his bottom lip wobbling and his voice shaking. 

“Oh, Hyuck,” he sighed. Donghyuck just began to cry again, and Taeyong held him. He waited until his little brother wanted to explain. 

He sat up, and Taeyong joined him on the couch. He waited and he was ready to listen. Always ready to listen. 

“We promised each other we would go to California together,” he whispered, defeated. 

Taeyong hummed, which prompted him to continue. 

“And I know graduation is still months away, but I just feel,” he paused. “I just feel so betrayed.” He stared sadly in front of him. 

“It’s like everyone I love somehow manages to screw me over at some point.”

Taeyong felt his heart squeeze. It hurt. But that’s what happens when you lose all trust at the age of twelve. He didn’t blame him for having such a warped sense of trust. Taeyong just wishes Donghyuck figures it out again one day. 

-

Donghyuck’s Mark Cries never ended. He was constantly whining about something that had to do with Mark. It got to the point where Taeyong learned how to tune it out. This time he just flipped through his magazine, staring at Armie Hammer. He hummed occasionally to make it seem like he was listening. 

He didn’t hear the end of the Homecoming Incident, but now the Mark talks were leaking into Halloween and Taeyong didn’t want to be rude, but he didn’t really care. Because he was too busy making his costume. He loved going all out, and he was definitely going to show out every single bitch there. Simply, he loved Halloween. 

Of course Taeyong cares, but he never thought Donghyuck would whine so much about a boy. Then, a great idea came to his head. At least at the time, it seemed like a good idea. 

“Here, why don’t you come to this party Johnny and I are going to,” he offered. His brother was old enough and he had finally accepted that his little brother wasn’t so young anymore. “It’s at a frat. Johnny has a lot of white friends. It’s weird.” 

Donghyuck gasped, all shocked. “You’re inviting me to a big boy party?” he teased, his voice rising in pitch. Taeyong rolled his eyes and kept his eyes on Armie Hammer’s thighs. 

“You said you had nothing to do, right?” he asked. 

“Well, yeah, not really,” Donghyuck answered sheepishly. “We usually hang out at Jaemin’s to watch horror movies. But everyone’s busy.” 

Taeyong looked away from Armie and towards his brother. With a bright smile, he swung his legs over and got up from his seat. Donghyuck was still looking up at him with hopeful eyes. 

“Dress up nicely. Invite someone if you want,” he said. And then he froze by the staircase. “And don’t you fucking dare hook up with anyone.” 

  
  


Johnny picked them up from the train station, dressed up in his costume looking as cute as ever. Taeyong’s grin shone brightly. He stood on his tippy toes and wrapped his arms around Johnny’s neck to give him a wet kiss. Behind him, he could hear Donghyuck gagging. 

It was already dark, but the way the glitter on Taeyong’s face reflected made Johnny’s heart flutter. He was dressed as a perfectly dirty and slutty groupie. His fishnets had rips and tears in them. His shirt barely fit him and the leather jacket on him made him look badass. His red lipstick and mascara were smudged. The glitter on his face looked masterfully placed to make it seem like an accident. The perfect dirty slutty groupie. Well, Courtney wasn’t really a groupie, but that’s what Taeyong was shooting for. 

“What’s up, Courtney?” Johnny said. He smirked, sneaking a squeeze on his ass when Donghyuck was walking in front of them. 

He looked up through his falsies (Donghyuck helped him). He took in Johnny’s rock look, the oversized red striped sweater, the ripped jeans and the iconic red sunglasses pushed back into his hair. He nearly attacked him right there. 

“You look so fucking hot,” he whispered hotly into his ear. 

Johnny had his hand on Taeyong’s thigh the entire way there, grip tight and possessive. As he parked, he turned to Taeyong and asked him if he was sure about the party. 

He took a big breath before smiling. “Yeah.” He was ready. He had been clean for a long time. 

The moment they walked in, the loud music made Taeyong flinch at first, but then Johnny wrapped his arm around Taeyong’s bare waist. He was going around, Taeyong clinging to his side as his boyfriend dapped and fist bumped almost everyone up. All of the big scary frat dudes stared at him pointedly before slapping Johnny’s back. He had no idea what that meant. 

Taeyong left him to go get something to drink with Donghyuck. That was probably his first mistake. 

“Whoo! Go Owls!” a girl shouted in Donghyuck’s face. 

He scowled, mean and bitter. “I’m a fucking dove, idiot.” It was a good dove costume considering they made it eight hours ago. Taeyong laughed and told him to lighten up. “I regret all of my decisions,” Donghyuck said blankly. 

His little brother looked ethereal in his costume. The white feathers placed perfectly on his temples along with the silver glitter made him glimmer. Taeyong let him borrow his flowy white blouse (pirate shirt he liked to call it). The small wings on his back were even cooler. In conclusion, he looked beautiful and untouchable. Taeyong felt the strong urge to protect him. 

So, he pushed water in his hands when Donghyuck insisted on drinking a white claw. He even tried to steal a handle before Taeyong scolded him. That shit could get him fucked up because frat boys get very violent when somebody takes literally anything. 

“Dude, can I have anything at all?” he seethed at his older brother. Somebody was cranky. 

Suddenly Johnny was pulling him away with a grin. “Mind if I steal him real quick?” he asked Donghyuck, even though he didn’t really have any choice. 

“Please,” Donghyuck answered, immediately reaching out for some alcohol.

“This is the fake kitchen, by the way,” Johnny added. “Real shit’s behind the frat pictures down there.” 

Taeyong tried his best to tell Hyuck to stay safe, but he was already being dragged away by Johnny. He paid attention to Johnny's back as he was pulled. He didn’t dare look around. Suddenly, they were in a different part of the house, a more chilled out place with purple led lights, a beer pong table and a table counter filled with different bottles of alcohol.

Johnny pulled him to his side with a wide grin. “Guys, this is Taeyong. Taeyong these are the guys.” 

Taeyong waved, a little shy. “Hi.” Taeyong had met Johnny’s cool hipster friends back during Johnny’s birthday party, but never his scary jock friends. 

That was awkward. 

“Yo, Johnny, you want tequila or straight vodka?” one of them asked. 

Johnny scrunched his nose in thought. “Tequila makes me aggressive,” he said. 

Another one of his friends spoke up. “Tequila makes me horny,” he said as he made a crude gesture to make his point. 

“One time I took, like, eleven xannys and mixed it up with a whole bottle of tequila. And, like, I blacked out, but apparently I was functioning normally like nothing happened,” Taeyong said, laughing awkwardly. 

Everybody went silent. Narcos played through the speaker. Johnny squeezed his waist. 

They ended up doing shots of tequila. Even after Johnny said it made him aggressive. Taeyong hoped it wasn’t true. Taeyong didn’t drink anything. Instead, he drank water out of a red solo cup. 

“So, like, are you frigid now or something?” a guy rudely asked. “I heard nearly dying changes a person.” 

“Shut the fuck up, Brad,” Johnny snapped, not letting Taeyong answer that. 

But then Taeyong actually answered. “Well, now I just don’t get stupid drunk every weekend for no reason.” He added a tight smile to top it off. 

Everybody just laughed, but Taeyong didn’t understand what was so funny. He made the conclusion that he hated Johnny’s friends. They were planning a beer pong tournament, and Taeyong immediately opted out. 

“You wanna just sit over there, babe?” Johnny suggested over to the couches. 

Taeyong looked over at the couches. He didn’t really have a choice. He made his way over, sitting down with a sigh. Some time passed, and Taeyong was mostly scrolling through his phone checking up on his social media. There was a sudden loud cheer coming from the pong table. He watched Johnny take off his sweater, revealing the ripped tank top, his arms on full display. He chest bumped with his teammates. Taeyong rolled his eyes before turning back to his phone. 

“Oh, my god,” he heard a girl whisper. “He’s so fucking hot.” 

Taeyong took another sip of his water. 

Another girl gasped. “Oh wow, you’re the guy that came with Johnny, right? You are insanely pretty.” 

“Yeah,” he answered, not even bothering to look at them. 

He could hear them whispering to each other until one of them speaks up. “So, like, who are you supposed to be?” 

Taeyong finally looked over with an unimpressed expression. He looked at their playboy bunny costumes and immediately had to prevent himself from rolling his eyes. 

“Oh, I’m Courtney Love,” he said with a shy smile. “Like Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain.” She looked at him with a confused face, mouth open and searching. 

“Who?” she asked with a scowl. 

Taeyong sighed before going into the quick explanation. “Courtney murdered Kurt,” he said tiredly. 

“Oh,” she looked bored. “That’s cool. We’re playboy bunnies.” She gestured down to their costumes. 

Now don’t get Taeyong wrong. He loved slutty halloween costumes. It’s what he thrives from. He hated the slutshaming that came along with Halloween, but he also respects originality. And he was not impressed at all. So he gave her a tight smile before taking a sip of his water. 

They apparently were not ready to end the conversation because they started to ask the most obscure questions. They were the type of straight girls that made Taeyong uncomfortable. The game lasted forever. Johnny had taken way too many tequila shots, and it showed. He shifted his view back to the girls.

“So, is his dick big?” was their question. 

Taeyong was too sober to have that conversation. 

After about thirty questions later, he turned to glance back over at Johnny. Who was supposed to be playing beer pong. But he was not. 

He instantly panicked. His heart was raging, his breath was coming out labored, and his eyes were searching. He needed to move. Taeyong tried to get his feet to move, but he felt frozen with panic. He took a deep breath. And took a step. 

The world was moving in slow motion. And he wasn’t even on anything. He walked and the world was slowing down. Everything was so much clearer. He could hear his labored breath over the loud music. With each inhale and exhale, Taeyong tried so hard to look forward. 

And then suddenly. The world crashed down on him and everything was fast again. The world was moving five tempos ahead of him. Taeyong stared at the mortifying sight. 

His little brother, pressed against the wall, wings bent. Hands raking through a stranger’s hair. He was making out with a stranger, getting way too close. His little brother. He was still sixteen. He couldn’t watch. Rage, frustration, fear all paralyzed him. 

He took quick steps towards them, his jaw clenched. Taeyong ripped the guy’s shoulder off, removing him from his brother. He was face to face with a college student as he moved to block his view off of Donghyuck behind Taeyong. 

“How old are you?” he demanded. The coldness of his tone even scared him. The guy just looked at him like he was crazy. “Answer my fucking question.” He was beyond enraged. 

“Nineteen, dude, what the fuck?” Yeah, so beyond enraged. 

Right as he was about to yell at the douchebag, he felt Donghyuck’s hand pull him away. He looked annoyed and pissed off. Donghyck clenched his eyes before opening them to roll them. Taeyong tried to soften his expression. 

“Taeyong, stop. Don’t be such a fucking buzzkill,” he said, words slurred. Mean. 

He doesn’t know how to respond. He knew Hyuck was drunk. He didn’t mean that. So, he just left and tried to find Johnny again. Everywhere he turned. There were lines and tequila and smoke and pills and tabs and everything that made his skin crawl. There was so much, and Taeyong felt so suffocated. Maybe he wasn’t ready. 

He was frantically walking around now. He was trying so hard to find Johnny. Why did he leave? Once he made it to the backyard, the pool was filled with some people for some reason. It was freezing. 

And then he heard a familiar, “Fuck yeah!” 

Johnny front flipped into the pool, which was so dangerous in the first place and Taeyong gasped. His friends cheered and jumped around like the idiot frat guys they were. Taeyong seethed and he quickly rounded about to the edge of the pool. He crouched down to where Johnny surfaced. He heard cat calls behind him as he crouched, his shorts riding up, but he ignored them. He kept his eyes on Johnny. 

“Johnny, we need to go right now,” he said. He tried so hard to keep his voice stable. 

Johnny was just treading water and laughing. “Don’t be so boring, Yongie,” he slurred. He snorted once he got sight of Taeyong’s serious face. He lost his audience as they focused on another idiot. 

“Johnny,” he said sternly. 

His boyfriend raised his eyebrows teasingly. He looked like such an asshole with his wet messy hair and eyeliner. At least he took off his sweater. He rolled his eyes with a shit grin and began spinning around in the water. 

“My boring Yongie,” he sang. Taeyong knew he didn’t mean it. He was just drunk.

Taeyong felt himself grow overwhelmed and frustrated. His chest was burning with something distressing. He almost couldn’t breathe. He brought his hands to his heating forehead, holding them to ground himself. 

“Babe, please, can we please go home,” he begged. 

Johnny didn’t take him seriously. He reached the edge of the pool and pressed a soft kiss to Taeyong’s lips. Johnny held the back of Taeyong’s neck with a wet hand. Taeyong closed his eyes, trying so hard to ground himself. 

And then he’s wet. He is literally wet. Dunked in water. Soaked. 

Johnny pulled him into the pool. 

Taeyong gasped as he surfaced, scrubbing the water out of his eyes, which probably smudged his mascara. Oh shit, he forgot about the falsies. Those were only seven dollars from Target, but they were still so cute. 

He climbed out of the pool as Johnny kept laughing. He shook out his leather jacket and nearly whined at the texture. 

Johnny climbed after him, shaking his hair out. It splashed on Taeyong, which nearly tipped him over into having a full on meltdown. But he took a deep breath and took Johnny’s hand in his, dragging him away to the kitchen. The kitchen without anyone in it since it was the “fake” kitchen. People figured it out. They were alone save for a frat guy pouring water into a rum bottle. He fist pumped Johnny before leaving the kitchen. They were alone. 

“Can we please go home, Johnny?” he asked again, voice watery. 

Johnny reached high for the real tequila and took a huge swing. Almost like he was defying Taeyong’s question. He didn’t want to go home. Taeyong couldn’t stay in the loud frat house any longer. 

Once he was done, he hissed. “Where’s my fun Yongie?” he asked teasingly. 

Taeyong blinked. “What?” 

Johnny moved his hands around. “You know, like, the fun Yongie,” he giggled making no sense. “The one that isn’t so fucking boring.” His expression switched so quickly that it shocked Taeyong. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but you need to drink some water,” he said, keeping himself calm. He couldn’t lash out at that moment. Because he didn’t know Johnny when he was like this. 

He grabbed a red cup, filling it with water before handing it over to Johnny. With a fake smile, Johnny took it before dumping it on the floor. Taeyong groaned, grabbing the cup out of his hand. Johnny had only raised his hand so Taeyong had to reach up and struggle. Curse Johnny’s lanky limbs. 

“Go ahead and take it, babe,” he teased, mocking him. 

Taeyong couldn’t cry. He reached up one last time before Johnny was pulling him flush against him. He froze. 

“Johnny,” he said, breathless and quiet. Johnny was just hugging him. 

“I miss my fun Yongie,” Johnny pouted down at him. Taeyong looked up with a blank expression. “You’re so much more fun when you’re manic,” he laughed like it was actually funny. 

Taeyong shoved Johnny off of him. Johnny stumbled and nearly fell. In a quick second, Taeyong stormed out and into the loud crowds. He looked around. He saw the fireball and grabbed it quickly. After a quick sniff to make sure it wasn’t piss, he turned around where he heard Johnny calling for him. 

He stared at Johnny and drank. He drank so much that it ran down the side of his mouth and down his throat. He finished the rest of the bottle. 

“Fun Yongie, right?” he shouted, getting up in Johnny’s face. 

Johnny tried to place his hands on Taeyong, but he was quicker. He smacked his hands away. Off in the distance, he saw some college kids lining up. Without thinking he made a beeline. He didn’t check if Johnny was following. 

He got to them. “What is that?” he asked. 

The guy looked up at his disheveled, wet appearance. “Uh, some coke, dude.” 

“Cool. Can I have a line?” he quickly asked and surprisingly the guy let him at it. He handed over the rolled up bill and Taeyong leaned down. 

He was about to do it before strong arms were ripping him away, practically grabbing him like a ragdoll. Johnny dragged him outside, behind a bunch of bushes and far away from the party. He pushed Taeyong against the shed. It wasn’t hard enough to hurt, but it did sting. He looked angry. And that made him scared for a second before he remembered. the power he had over Johnny. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he hissed. 

Taeyong laughed sardonically in his face, so close that their noses brushed. “What the fuck do you think?” he hissed back. He let his head fall back and smirked at his boyfriend. “Being fun Yongie,” he said slowly. Almost seductively. 

The veins in Johnny’s neck looked scary. He shoved Taeyong once, not too hard but hard enough to sting. It just stung. Then, he punched the shed. Far away from Taeyong’s face, but close enough to make him flinch. And Taeyong wasn’t going to let that happen. He could yell at him, but he would never let someone hit him. 

“You wanna hit me?” he yelled. “Fucking hit me!” 

Johnny didn’t want to hit Taeyong. He would never hurt Taeyong. He was just one of those angry dudes, who would punch holes in their walls sometimes when they were drunk. 

“No, fuck!” Johnny yelled back. He ran a hand through his hair, sighing loudly, trying to compose himself. 

“Well, tell me, Johnny,” he said with so much venom it felt uncomfortable coming from his mouth. “Who do you want me to be tonight, babe?” 

Johnny shook his head, hand over his mouth. He looked up, away from Taeyong. He was near tears. He was drunk and he couldn’t deal with his regrets and Taeyong all at the same time. 

“I’m sorry, okay?” he tried, sounding a lot more sober. “Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m serious.”

Taeyong looked up at him with a scowl. Johnny held his thin shoulders, searching for forgiveness. Taeyong didn’t have any of it. 

“Fuck you,” he said before spitting in Johnny’s face. 

He left and never looked backed. When he found Donghyuck, his little brother was already at the porch steps. He was crying and so was Taeyong. He held his hand out for Donghyuck to take. His brother looked up at him with wet tears filling his eyes. Then, he took Taeyong’s hand and they walked to the bus stop. They sat silently. Donghyuck rested his head on Taeyong’s shoulder. 

Once they reached the train station, Taeyong thought he would drop from the cold. He shivered, still wet and freezing. The train made it on time, and the two sat themselves down. They faced forward. Silent. The only noise filling the silence were the sounds of the train.

Suddenly, in the middle of the silence, Donghyuck said, “Let’s not ever talk about this.” 

Taeyong silently agreed. 

-

So, he knew Johnny had anger issues. He talked about it once when they were laying in bed together. Always laying in bed together. It’s where they shared their secrets. It’s where they both felt safe. In the comfort of their lover’s arms. They craved the other's touch. 

Taeyong knew Johnny had anger issues. He just never thought he’d be on the other end of the anger. 

He spent the next four days curled up in his bed. He didn’t leave for breakfast or lunch. Or dinner. He just laid down, listening to his own breath. In and out. In and out. His mom came back around dinner time. She came into his room, commenting on the darkness with light laughter. 

She sat down next to him. She held his hand. “What’s up, honey?” she asked, but it didn’t sound like she was asking a question. Maybe that’s why it was so easy for him to answer. 

“Johnny isn’t as sweet as I thought,” he whispered into his pillow. 

He fell asleep, cuddled by his mother. 

  
  


On the fifth day, Taeyong got up for breakfast. He ate his cinnamon toast crunch across from Donghyuck, who was just toying with the soggy cereal. The rain was softly sounding against the roof and windows. It was peaceful. Taeyong was sipping on his milk when the doorbell rang. The entire family went on alert at the sudden sound. Taeyong looked over at Donghyuck, who looked over at Taeyong. So, their mom set down her coffee and went to go answer the door. 

Hushed voices carried into the kitchen. The brothers were so nosy, so they leaned close enough to the door to hear the conversation. 

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea right now, Johnny,” his mom said, kind yet stern. “He’ll call you when he’s ready.” 

“But. But what if he’s never ready?” Johnny’s voice sounded sad. 

“Then you’re just going to have to accept that.” 

Taeyong couldn’t take it. He walked out of the kitchen, and Donghyuck whispered his name in panic. 

He touched his mom’s shoulder to let her know he was there. “It’s okay, mom,” he said. He saw Johnny for the first time in five days, which isn’t that long, but for them, it was forever. 

Johnny had his rainbow umbrella with him along with some flowers. Roses. Even after all Johnny had said, all he had done, and all of the other fucked up shit, Taeyong still loved him. And that terrified him. 

His mom squeezed his arm before Taeyong walked out, closing the door behind him. Johnny was in the rain, far away from Taeyong. They had only stared at each other. 

Taeyong was the first to speak. “You gonna say something?” He raised an eyebrow, crossing his sweater around him. 

Johnny looked at the roses and then back at Taeyong. He genuinely looked apologetic. 

“I know that this is a shitty excuse, and I’m not asking for anything,” he started, “but I have no idea what I did that night.” 

Taeyong believed him. “You were very scary,” he said quietly. “You said some pretty nasty things.” Johnny looked apologetic. “I almost did a line,” he snorted. 

He could see the moment Johnny broke in front of him. He saw the moment Johnny wanted to sink away. Johnny was crying. 

“I’m so sorry, baby,” he apologized. 

Taeyong let him walk up the porch steps. He let him hug him. He let him kiss him. 

And just like that. That was the last of it. 

-

Things were never really the same after Halloween. There were things left unsaid and there were moments where Taeyong would get mad at Johnny for no reason. But other times, he’s still head over heels. 

He was head over heels when Johnny would lay with him as Taeyong worked on his album and other songs. He loved when Johnny would listen, tell him how it made him feel, and praise him. He loved it so much. At some point, he couldn’t write  _ without _ Johnny. He constantly needed him there. 

He had sparked creativity at two in the morning. Without thinking, he called Johnny and asked him to come over. 

“ _ Baby, it’s two a.m _ .” 

“Yeah, but I need to make this song and-and I need you here,” he said quickly. “I don’t know if I can do it without you. What-what if I do something stupid?”

Johnny came over that night. With his glasses and eye bags, he slept on Taeyong’s bed as he spent the rest of the morning writing one song. He woke up to Taeyong recording the vocals at his make-shift recording studio. He sent it over to Mark, which was totally behind Donghyuck’s back, but he had promised to help the teenager with his EP back in September. He wanted this to be perfect for Mark. 

Johnny saw the exhaustion in Taeyong. He was overworking himself the moment he escaped the writer’s block. Yet, he still needed something there. If Johnny wasn’t there, he didn’t know what would happen. So, he would always answer Taeyong’s calls, no matter how late, and drive wherever he needed to go. 

Taeyong didn’t know, but he was holding Johnny hostage. 

  
  
  


The day before Halloween, Johnny was working as usual, and he was having a good night. He wasn’t expecting anything exciting to happen. He texted Taeyong an hour ago to see if he wanted to come over, but when he was near finished his shift, he noticed that Taeyong still hadn’t texted him back, which was fine because Johnny wasn’t insecure or needy. 

So, he waited until his night employee showed up for his shift. Then, he left like usual, walking towards his car like normally. Because it was a normal day, but there was somebody leaning against his car. 

It was Yuta. Johnny was a little confused because they were never that close, and he only knew that Taeyong would hang out with Yuta occasionally. He also knew that Yuta was there when Taeyong relapsed that night on his twenty-first birthday. 

“Johnny,” Yuta greeted, cigarette hanging between his fingers. He took a drag and blew out the smoke with a grin. “Lovely seeing you tonight.” 

Johnny put his hands in the pockets of his sweater. “What’s up?” he asked. “Is there something up with Taeyong?” That was their neutral ground. Taeyong. 

Yuta shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

He was being vague and Johnny always hated that, so he tried his hardest to get the conversation moving because he really just wanted a shower. Yet, Yuta was standing there asking him for his time. 

“Well?” Johnny prompted. 

Yuta lit another cigarette. “Listen, Taeyong has an obsessive personality,” he stated. “Literally the reason why he’s an addict.” 

Johnny didn’t have to be told to know that much. He saw the way Taeyong dedicated his time to his craft. He saw how dedicated he was to helping Donghyuck and his band. He wouldn’t call him obsessive. He would call him dedicated. 

“He’s replacing his drugs with you,” Yuta said with a hard stare. Johnny’s jaw clenched. He didn’t want to admit that. “You see the way he relapses every time you fuck up?” 

Johnny nodded. His face was devoid of any emotion as he waited for Yuta to continue. 

“There it is. You fuck up and he needs something else to make him happy,” Yuta continued. “The moment he feels like he’s losing you, he takes ten steps back.” 

Johnny sighed, a cloud of hot air leaving his mouth. “How do you know this?” he asked, unimpressed. 

Yuta smirked. “Cause I was his drug for a little while.” That made sense. Yuta was the only person Taeyong had in high school after his overdose. It made that much sense. 

“And let me tell you, that shit isn’t fun,” he said. “Every day, you wonder if he’s gonna kill himself because you said something wrong.”

Johnny had to look away because everything Yuta was saying was right. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t fun realizing he had Taeyong’s life in his hands. It didn’t help that Johnny was the stupidest fucking guy in the planet. He didn’t deserve Taeyong, but he could never leave him. 

“So, Johnny Suh,” Yuta paused, “you better not fuck up.”

The next day, Johnny got black out drunk because he couldn’t handle the realization after his talk with Yuta. It went unheard because even with Yuta’s warning, he fucked up big time. 

-

They were laying on Johnny’s bed after a netflix marathon. Taeyong felt happy and hopeful for the future. Christmas was right around the corner, and Taeyong had been clean, even after the Halloween incident. Everything felt like a dream. As they were getting ready to go to sleep, Taeyong brushed his teeth as Johnny was peeing. 

He spit out the toothpaste and asked, “Would you ever do your photography stuff seriously?” It was sudden, and there was literally nothing prompting him. He was just curious. Or so Johnny thought. 

“Um, I don’t really think so, but it’d be cool,” he replied. 

They left the conversation end there. By the time they were resting in Johnny’s bed, Taeyong was still curious. For some reason. 

“So, you’re really just gonna stay here for the rest of your life?” he asked. He didn’t mean it for it to be offensive. He really didn’t. 

Johnny furrowed his brows. “Sorry not all of us want to live in a big city?”

Taeyong realized his mistake and tried to save himself. He hated arguing with Johnny. 

“Well, I’m just wondering,” he said defensively. 

“Yeah, well maybe you shouldn’t,” Johnny replied quickly. 

They left it at that. 

-

Taeyong loved Christmas. He loved the joy around it. He loved buying presents for his family and friends. One day, when he was out buying presents with Yuta on Market Street, his friend dropped huge news on him. They were having lunch at a cute vegetarian place. It was nice.

“I’m moving back to Japan,” he said suddenly. 

Taeyong choked on his salad. He coughed and pounded on his chest. “Excuse me?” he said in shock. 

Yuta grinned as he shared the happy news. He was moving to Japan to work at a popular tattoo parlour. He was finally escaping the drug scene and moving onto something healthier. He was moving onto something that actually made him happy. 

“I’m so happy for you,” he said earnestly. “I wish you the best. You better keep me updated, okay?” He grinned in happiness for his friend. 

“I’m leaving two days before Christmas, so,” Yuta said happily. “I got you your present early.” 

Taeyong gasped. “What, no fair,” he laughed. “I haven’t wrapped your present yet.” He pouted. 

“Just give it to me when you drop me off at the airport,” he suggested. Taeyong nodded and began unwrapping his present. 

A drawing of them as Animal Crossing characters sat on top of the box. It made Taeyong smile as he read the note and admired the art. He then opened the box. He gasped and covered his mouth with his hand. He could feel himself tear up. Yuta got him a rose necklace and matching bracelet. 

“Yuta,” he whined with a pout. “This is the prettiest thing ever. I love it.” 

Yuta just smiled softly and said, “Wear it and remember me every time you put it on.” 

They walked through Christmas Village together for one last time. 

  
  
  


The day Yuta left was the day Taeyong cried so hard he got a headache. He was wearing the bracelet Yuta bought him. Johnny was driving them away from the airport, and Taeyong was still hiccuping with tears. 

“Did you ever love Yuta?” Johnny asked suddenly. 

“Of course,” he answered easily. 

Johnny shook his head. “No, like, were you ever in love with Yuta?”

Taeyong was silent for a moment. “At one point, yeah.” 

Johnny didn’t say anything else. 

-

On Christmas Eve, Taeyong spent the night with Johnny’s family. He had just met them, and he already knew they were all lovely. They welcomed him happily into the family. Johnny’s mom loves and adores him, and they joke about replacing Johnny with Taeyong as her new son. It’s lovely spending time with his boyfriend’s family. 

When it was time to go to sleep, Taeyong rested in Johnny’s childhood bed. 

“So this is where you grew up,” he said as if they didn’t grow up in the same town. 

Johnny laughed lightly under his breath. “Yeah, here’s the bed that has seen it all.” 

Taeyong gasped, scandalized. “Johnny,” he said in shock just to tease him. 

Johnny only wrapped him into a tighter hug, squeezing Taeyong so hard that he had to tickle Johnny to make him stop. He’s so tall that he made such a loud noise as he flailed around from Taeyong’s fingers. 

“Unfair,” Johnny frowned. 

Taeyong grinned and kissed the tip of his nose. His grin was so wide. This was happiness. Happiness was a feeling he had been trying to chase his entire life. He believed he found it within Johnny. So, that’s why he asked that night. 

“Do you wanna move to New York with me?”

The atmosphere instantly shifted. Johnny brushed Taeyong’s hair back. He wasn’t scaring Taeyong. Then, he kissed Taeyong slowly. The kind of kiss that makes Taeyong fall in love with him all over again each time. 

“Ask me again in a month and I’ll let you know,” he whispered. It wasn’t a no. It wasn’t a promise. “I love you.” 

Taeyong took it because Taeyong would take anything Johnny gave him. 

-

Taeyong saw Mark around a lot more after January. It was kind of weird because he still remembered all of the times Hyuck yelled about him, but now he was following him around like a puppy. It was both hilarious and ironic because Donghyuck would always say he would never follow desperately after Mark. 

He also met two new other little kids, and honestly Taeyong was glad Donghyuck was expanding his circle. There was always a tight circle around Donghyuck. He barely let anyone in. It came from the trauma of seeing his dying brother, but Donghyuck would never admit that. He would just say he hated everyone in their town. Valid. 

One of the little kids came up to him when he was out grocery shopping. He recognized him quickly as Chenle. He was a weird kid, but Taeyong still liked him. 

“Hey, Chenle,” he greeted with a kind smile. He was out buying things for Johnny’s birthday party, but he took a break to talk. 

Chenle looked nervous talking to Taeyong, never looking at him directly in the eye. He looked up, down, sideways, back, and then up again. Honestly, it was really cute in a cute little kid way. Taeyong remembered when he used to be a cute little kid. You know, before all of the drugs. 

“I was just wondering if you had any connections with venue holders,” he started. “You know, cause, like, you work with actual celebrities and are pretty popular and known in that industry. So, I was just wondering. It’s okay if you don’t! I can figure it out on my own.”

Before Chenle could ramble any longer, he held his hand up and laughed. “Yeah, I know some people. I can email you some names if you’d like.” 

Chenle’s eyes widened. “Yes, oh my god. That’d be great,” he said with excitement. “Oh! And don’t tell the others. I want this to be a surprise.” He grinned a sunshine smile and walked away with a wave. 

Taeyong took in the conversation and nodded to himself before continuing his search for cookie crumble. 

  
  


Once he got to Johnny’s place, he told him all about the exchange. 

“And he was so nice, but he kept on sort of,” he paused putting away stuff. “Idolizing me.” 

Johnny helped him put away the groceries. “Those kids do look up to you,” Johnny stated. “You know that, right?” 

Taeyong nodded. “It’s still weird to think about it.”

“You do know you’re, like, insanely talented?” 

Taeyong didn’t like when people praised him to his face when he wasn’t ready for it. It was different from when he showed an artist of Johnny one his new songs. It was different from when Johnny would call him pretty.

His ears turned red and he continued to put away the groceries. 

Taeyong spent so much time at Johnny’s place that he had his own side of the pantry where he would keep his teas nicely organized. It had a variety of Taeyong’s calming teas, morning teas, sweet teas, and sick teas. It was his own little space in Johnny’s home. 

He wondered if he could have an even bigger space in his home. 

“Hey, babe?” he called out, staring down at his tea packet. Johnny was in his room changing for work. “Can you come here?” 

Johnny came to join him, tipping his chin up. “What’s up?” 

Taeyong didn’t look up to see Johnny’s reaction as he asked, “Do you wanna move to New York with me?”

He could hear Johnny sigh. He was avoiding this conversation because he never asked a month later after Christmas. He had just hoped Johnny would bring it up and it’d be great. They would have a life in New York together. Johnny could pursue his photography while still bartending since he still loved it so much. They could start a whole new life together. 

But Johnny doesn’t want that. 

“Yong, that’s a really big decision,” he said softly. It felt like a soft rejection, but Taeyong let himself believe Johnny was actually thinking it over. “Let me think about it, okay?”

He came from behind, wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing himself against Taeyong’s back. He left a quick peck to his neck before retreating back to his room to get ready for work. Taeyong didn’t let himself overthink it. 

The night passed with him, sleeping in Johnny’s bed all by himself. He buried himself into the sheets. Closing his eyes barely helped him sleep. He couldn’t sleep. He hated not being able to fall asleep. But then he remembered the one thing that made him sleepy ever since he was a teenager. 

It was dumb of him. He should have known better. Johnny tried to hide it from him, but Taeyong was too smart. He was too smart for his own good. He opened the cabinet and moved a few things to reveal a jar. It would look like an innocent Winnie the Pooh jar, but then Taeyong twisted the cap off. 

Johnny really liked weed. He never did it around Taeyong, but he would know when he stepped into the apartment and it would smell heavily of Meadows and Rain Febreze. Johnny would never be high around Taeyong, either. Except that one time, but that felt like forever ago, and Johnny learned his lesson. 

So it was his big mistake when he took the bong out from underneath the bathroom sink behind the conspicuous bucket. It was his big mistake when he inhaled and exhaled the smoke. He knew what he was doing and he didn’t care. It felt good to smoke. He almost forgot how relaxing it could be. He just wanted to fall asleep. He couldn’t because he kept thinking about Johnny’s apprehension to follow Taeyong. 

He rubbed his thighs together as he felt warm with each exhale. Johnny was a big fan of indica, and Taeyong was selfish. His cotton shorts felt soft under his fingertips, and he felt himself smile as his eyes felt heavy. He got sleepy fast and he was thankful. But he overdid it and passed out right there on the couch. 

  
  
  


He woke up with a loud slam. He jumped up in fear and blinked to get a hold of his surroundings. He was still at Johnny’s, but then he saw the stuff in front of him still out and obviously used. Then, he saw Johnny standing there by the doorway. He didn’t look angry, so that made Taeyong smile. 

“Welcome back, baby,” he sang. “How was work?”

It had to be around two in the morning, but he remembered taking his last pull at 1:45. So that meant he didn’t sleep until tomorrow.  _ Fuck _ . 

Johnny didn’t look angry. He looked cold. He hated that cold look. Taeyong would do anything to get that cold look away from him because it was ten times worse than the angry glare. The cold glare made him cry. It was used when Johnny was trying not to blow up. And that was the scariest part of it all, but Taeyong wasn’t scared of Johnny anymore. 

“You stole my weed?” he commented. Always so unimpressed. 

In fact, he felt so safe that he jumped off the couch and padded across with his bare torso and cotton shorts. He threw his arms around Johnny’s neck and he looked up through his lashes to get his attention. 

“Wanna come join me?” he whispered seductively against Johnny’s neck. He didn’t react. So, Taeyong amped it up. He licked along the spot he had bitten. 

“Taeyong, what are you doing?” he asked, his voice even colder than his gaze. 

He pulled back from his work and grinned at the reddening bruise. He kissed it one more time before pulling Johnny with two hands towards the couch. Taeyong lightly pushed him to sit on the couch with one hand. 

“Come on,” he whispered. “Fuck me.” 

Johnny could tell he was high. Of course he was high. It was exactly why he pushed Taeyong off him when he started to grind against his thigh. Maybe it was rough, but Taeyong wasn’t hurt. He was humiliated. 

“You’re high, Taeyong,” he stated. 

“What?” he scoffed as Johnny got up to leave Taeyong alone. “No, come back here.”

He crossed the space between them and whirled Johnny’s body towards him. He looked at him once more before he started to roughly kiss him. Johnny kissed him, just as rough and just as dirty. There’s so much heat and anger behind the kiss. Taeyong whined, finally getting what he wanted. Johnny licked into his mouth, sloppy and wet. He picked Taeyong up from his thighs as he blindly made his way to his room. 

Taeyong panted into Johnny’s mouth before sucking onto his tongue. He moaned at the tight grip that would definitely bruise his thighs. He kept pulling at Johnny’s hair and whimpering at the pain. Johnny reached in front of him to sweep everything off his desk. He placed him on his desk without looking, missing by a few inches. So, Taeyong jumped up onto the desk before immediately pulling him back. Their ragged breaths fill the quiet room. Johnny moaned as Taeyong palmed at his cock. 

Taeyong was getting what he wanted. Taeyong was getting what  _ he wanted _ . 

Johnny ripped himself away, leaving Taeyong breathless. He moved off the desk to pull Johnny back to him, but he shoved him off again, using too much force that Taeyong hit against the wall. The humiliation resurfaced. 

“What’s up with you today? You don’t wanna fuck me?” he said, his voice raising in anger. 

Johnny ignored Taeyong’s protests. Taeyong hated being ignored. Johnny learned that quickly in their relationship. He left the room quickly. Johnny picked up the lighter, desperate to get his head away from all of the shit. Taeyong was still high. 

“What, you don’t wanna live with me and now you don’t even wanna fuck me?” he spat. Standing across the coffee table, he was testing Johnny. He knew that already. 

There was only so much Taeyong could push because Taeyong loved pushing. He kept pushing and pushing until he was the one who breaks, and Johnny’s the one who has to pick up the pieces. Johnny exhaled, his eyebrows furrowed in anger. 

“Is that what all of  _ this  _ is about?” Johnny shouted back. “Because I won’t fucking move in with you?” Johnny has a scary loud voice, but Taeyong doesn’t flinch. Johnny takes another pull from the bong. 

He’s played this game before. He crossed his arms and stood there defiantly. He was challenging Johnny, as if prompting him to get angrier. Taeyong already had that smug look on his face. 

“You’re too much of a coward.” The words were cruel. 

Johnny groaned in anger. “You are so needy, Taeyong!” he shouted, pounding his fist down. “Go! Go to New York!”

Taeyong shook his head, glaring. “No, I’m not going unless you come with me.” 

Johnny laughed, loud and sarcastic. “And then what? Rot away like everybody else from our town? Is that what you want?” 

Taeyong couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of Johnny not moving in with him. He thought Johnny loved him. That was all he was leaning back into. Johnny’s love was a constant, and he couldn’t even take it to New York with him. 

“Why don’t you want to come with me?” his voice was still loud, as was Johnny’s. 

“Because I don’t need to run away from this place, Taeyong,” he hissed. “I have nothing I’m running away from,” he scoffed. “You. You’re running from all of the fucked up shit you did to yourself.” 

Taeyong saw red as he picked up the lamp next to him and threw it down with a cry. There were no tears. It shattered against the coffee table. It shattered. Johnny cursed and moved to the kitchen, avoiding the shards expertly. 

“You wanna say that again, dickhead?” Taeyong shouted after him. He was moving quickly. He kept pushing and pushing. It was like he was asking for it. 

Johnny turned around and grabbed him by the jaw before pushing him against the fridge. Taeyong gasped at the sharp pain that exploded through his back. He grabbed at Johnny’s fingers, trying his best to get them off his cheeks since he was squeezing so hard that it hurt. 

“Let go of me, you fuckshit,” he cursed. He scratched Johnny across the cheek and pushed his way away from Johnny. He moved quickly to gather his shoes and shirt. 

Johnny laughed maliciously. “Look at you now. You’re still running away,” he scoffed. 

Taeyong whirled around, anger still raging inside of him. Johnny looked so fucking smug with his smart words. The small scratch across his left cheek meant nothing. Johnny had already won because Taeyong was the one running away. 

“You tell me you fucking love me,” he seethed, his voice betraying him and cracking. The hot, searing tears were stinging his eyes already. “If you really loved me, you’d follow me anywhere I went.” 

Johnny nearly screamed. “That’s not love! That’s fucking obsession!” 

The tears spilled. His chin wobbled, and Johnny felt no regret. Taeyong tried to leave the apartment, but Johnny pulled him back. 

“Let me go,” he cried pathetically. He kept crying. This was all his fault. Johnny was right about everything. 

“No, you’re high and in shorts. You’re gonna freeze and get fucked up out there,” Johnny said sternly. He finalized it when he dragged Taeyong into the room. 

Taeyong fell back onto the bed, bent over sobbing into his hands. 

“Don’t start fucking crying now,” Johnny spat, aggressively opening and closing his drawers. He stripped and changed into a t-shirt. He looked over at Taeyong’s sobbing body in near disgust. 

“Shut up,” Taeyong said between sobs. 

Johnny stepped in front of him, similar to how he did at his birthday party last year. Except this time, he was much more cruel. He grabbed Taeyong’s chin between his thumb and pointer finger, forcing him to look at him with those big, sad eyes. 

“What are you gonna do now?” he whispered in question. It was rhetorical. He rubbed his thumb against his bottom lip. “You gonna go suck a dick for some blow?” 

Taeyong only glared and cried. Johnny let go of his chin harshly. They were both high. They were both toxic. They were both hurting each other. 

  
  
  


The morning after, Taeyong’s face is puffy from crying so much. He felt Johnny's presence behind him. Very slowly, he turned onto his back and stared at Johnny’s sleeping face. He loved him so much. Even when he treated him like trash and demanded so much from him. Taeyong was the one who threw the lamp. He was the one who pushed Johnny. It was all his fault. 

All Taeyong knew how to do was hurt the people around him. 

Johnny opened his eyes to see Taeyong staring right back at him. They shared a sad gaze. They both knew what was happening. They were both aware of the pain and harm surrounding them. Johnny had his issues, unresolved and raging. Taeyong had his issues, damaging and tiring. 

Unspoken, they knew what they had to. 

-

Chenle asked them to chaperone their mini tour. Taeyong didn’t have the heart to say no. So, Johnny and Taeyong acted like they are the happiest couple in the world. He didn’t want to ruin their excitement and the good vibes of the tour. He didn’t want to give Donghyuck a reason to worry. They gave each other kisses and thought about the times where they were actually happy as they were around each other. It was fake, but it felt so real. 

Like everything around Taeyong, it crashes. 

They were in Boston, about to walk around with the kids to go around sight-seeing or something. The kids were just complaining about sitting so long in a car, so Taeyong thought it’d be nice. Johnny was looking for places to eat while they were waiting. They stood in the parking lot while the kids sat in the back of the van.. 

“How about dim sum?” Johnny suggested. 

Taeyong hummed and shook his head. “It doesn’t say they have vegetarian options, so I don’t know.”

Johnny sighed, frustrated because that was the tenth restaurant Taeyong had shot down. He clicked his phone off and glared at Taeyong, clearly annoyed. 

“You go ahead and pick somewhere then,” he snapped, gesturing towards Taeyong. “It was your idea in the first place.” 

Taeyong just stared at him in confusion. “Suddenly I’m the bad guy because I’m trying to find somewhere vegetarian friendly?”

Johnny groaned. “Yes because not everything has to revolve around you. You already fried your brain with drugs for christ’s sake. Are you really that concerned about what enters your body?” 

“What the fuck did you just say to me?” he shouted, affronted by the rudeness of the statement. 

“Like, what’s red meat gonna do to you?” he continued, purposely acting like an asshole to annoy Taeyong. It’s what he gets for being so annoying with restaurants. 

Johnny doesn’t usually like to bring up Taeyong’s addiction. It’s a low blow. It’s a spit to the face. He’s always been aware of that line, but apparently he no longer cared. He had been around Taeyong for too long now. It’s completely different from when they would constantly hang off each other. Taeyong can’t remember the last time he hugged Johnny on his own terms. 

“You have to be kidding me right now,” he said. “Are you seriously going to talk to me about my addiction because I couldn’t find a  _ restaurant _ ?” 

Johnny kicked his foot, rolling his eyes and turning away from the shorter. There was no way he was going to stay sane around Taeyong for any longer. 

“Then pick a damn restaurant!” he shouted back. He was exacerbated at this point. Taeyong could tell it was the start of a terrible day. 

“No, you just said something out of line,” he seethed. “You need to start being held accountable for your actions because you are so shitty sometimes, and don’t even care. Take some fucking responsiblity!”

Johnny had to take five steps away from Taeyong, but he just surged up to Johnny with his pointer finger raised. 

“What are you gonna say next?” he screamed. His face was red, he could feel the burn beneath his cheeks. “You gonna bring up the time I fucking died?” his voice cracked with the loud volume. 

Johnny shook his head. He couldn’t do it anymore. “I’m not gonna say anything because you can’t listen.”

Taeyong’s mouth gaped with his eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean? God, sometimes you’re such a fucking idiot!”

Johnny grabbed Taeyong’s right hand tightly before shoving it away from his face. “Put your damn finger in my face again. I dare you.” Taeyong took the dare and thrusted his finger in Johnny’s face again. 

The next thing that happened still shocks Taeyong. He never knew Johnny could break like that. He never knew he could get like that. He raised his hand, like he was about to slap him before he stopped himself. In the corner of his eye, he could see Mark standing up to intervene. He looked at Johnny in shock. 

Johnny quickly put his hand down and watched as Taeyong started to cry. He felt like crying himself. Pure shock filled Taeyong’s body. He didn’t know how else to react. There was no way he could react. He could only cry. 

He was too busy trying to digest everything in tears to notice the boys walking away. Johnny was too mortified by his own actions. He walked away with a tight hand covering his mouth, like he was going to throw up. Taeyong felt like throwing up. 

He started walking. He didn’t know where he was going, but he had to get away. He had to get as far away as possible. The sun was starting to set already. Eventually, he made it downtown. He looked up at all of the different flags and knew exactly what he had to do. 

He had to forget. 

A club was opening up right as he passed it for the fifth time because Taeyong was just walking circles by the time. He walked in after showing his ID and took in the scene. It wasn’t crowded because it was only eight o’clock, but people were filing in. He sat by the bar and quickly texted his brother, asking about his whereabouts. He let his little brother know where he was. 

And then he ordered a bunch of shots. That was the start of a very shitty night. 

By the time Taeyong’s numb, he felt like he needed something heavier to make him feel even more numb. The alcohol wasn’t enough. It never really was, to be honest. The stranger he was dancing with called over his friend, and he found himself in between them. He gasped for air as they touched him everywhere. 

The guy behind him licked his ear and asked, “Let’s go do something more fun?” Taeyong followed easily. 

He looked down at the lines below him. He saw the way they lined up next to each other. The way he was swaying back and forth from his loss of balance was making it hard to get a good position to snort it up. 

Before he could sniff anything, somebody was pulling him up. Somewhere deep in his brain, he hoped it was Johnny because Johnny was always there to stop him. He would always be there, but now he wasn’t, and that broke Taeyong’s heart even more.

He tried to see who pulled him up, but then his legs gave out on him, and he fell into them. Their warm arms caught him and dragged him away. He couldn’t hear anything over his pounding heart and the loud 2000’s music blasting through the speakers everywhere. His brain supplied that the person who caught him wasn’t Johnny because he could actually carry Taeyong like he was nothing unlike the person struggling to move. He wanted Johnny to carry him away. 

“Johnny doesn’t love me,” he cried. “Cu-Cuz I’m gross,” he hiccuped, remembering his cruel words about his drug use. His brain was fried. Johnny thought he was gross. 

Then after he saw Donghyuck shed a tear, he blacked out. 

  
  
  


The next morning, he woke up next to his brother splayed across him, snoring. It was a great way to wake up. They needed to check out soon or else they would get in some sort of trouble. Plus, he needed to feed these kids. Without moving Donghyuck, Taeyong opened his phone and looked for the nearest breakfast place. He found a decently cheap nice one and saved it for later. 

For now, he let his little brother sleep on his chest. Taeyong was staring up at the ceiling, contemplating everything. He thought about all of his past actions, where he went wrong. How did he mess everything up? Why couldn’t he have the love he wanted? Why was his life so fucked up?

When did Johnny stop loving him? So many scary thoughts were raging in his head. As he stared up at the yellow stained ceiling, he cried quietly. He cries so much. He hates it. He was weak, and he knew it. Taeyong hated himself for being weak. He hated that he couldn’t hold Johnny. 

All that happened last night made the tears stream faster. It all flashed back to him, and he wanted it to stop. He saw Johnny’s raised hand. He saw the lines in front of him. He saw the ruined motel room, which was definitely Johnny’s doing. He remembered throwing up all of his mistakes on himself and in the tub. 

He remembered the heartbreak. 

  
  


They had breakfast in silence. The kids were absolutely dead. Jaemin looked like he was five minutes away from passing out and Jeno could barely hold down his food. Meanwhile, Jisung and Chenle were chirping, brightful and laughing at their dumb friends. It made Taeyong happy to see Donghyuck surrounded by such good people. He will always be happy for Donghyuck, no matter what. 

Across from him, Johnny was scarfing down pancakes, bacon, and sausages. His eyes were red and puffy too. Taeyong knew exactly what that meant, and that made him even angrier because he really had the audacity to show up high to their peaceful breakfast. Taeyong didn’t want to start shit, so he kept cutting up his waffles. 

“You guys excited for tonight?” he asked, trying his best to stay cheerful. 

Renjun grunted and shoved a piece of his pancake into his mouth. Nobody else responded, so Taeyong deflated and looked down at his waffles. They were all tired, which was understandable since they had been using all of their energy for their shows. Taeyong just didn’t know how to cover up the aching burn in his chest. 

“Leave them alone,” Johnny said. Taeyong looked up and didn’t say anything, keeping his face emotionless. “How come you’re not hungover?” he still had pancakes in his mouth, washing it down with orange juice. 

Taeyong scowled at that before schooling his expression. “I got a wellness shot from this vegan place on the way here.” 

Johnny just nodded once before going back to ignoring Taeyong. It made him feel like shit. Well, Johnny had already been doing that a lot lately. 

  
  


Taeyong worked hard to get the wires right. That was his only job besides watching over the kids. He just had to set up the lights and get the wires right. It was easy, but that day, his hands wouldn’t stop shaking. No matter how hard he tried. He couldn’t stop shaking. 

He was trying to connect the wires for Mark and Jisung’s amp. But he couldn’t and it made him increasingly more frustrated by the second. So, he threw it down and made his way to the bathroom to calm down. His breath was shaky, but he kept his composure. He passed by the green room, where Donghyuck was straightening his hair and Jeno and Jisung were playing trash basketball. 

Really, he should have knocked. He didn’t think when he opened the door to the back bathroom. 

“Oh,” he reacted. A noise of shock. 

***

Because bent over the toilet, knobbly knees on the dirty tiles, and two fingers down his throat was Renjun. 

Renjun snapped his head up, his panicked eyes zeroing in on Taeyong. He looked so scared. He pushed himself up and began spewing excuses. 

“Please, I just get nervous and I’m still hungover. The other guys already know,” he said with a nervous laugh. “It’s actually a running joke.” The nervous laughter told Taeyong that the boy wasn’t telling the whole truth. He was leaving things out. 

“Renjun,” he said carefully, “I can’t ignore this.” 

Renjun’s mouth gaped. He still looked so scared as his mouth moved around nothing. 

“Taeyong, I’m beggin you. My grandma can’t know and if the guys know, they’ll tell her and-and I can’t have her know because she’s already so stressed with the bills and-” he rambled. 

“Well, then you’re gonna have to promise me you’ll try to fix this,” he compromised. He knew how scary the promises were, but he couldn’t think of anything else. 

Renjun exhaled a shaky breath. “I promise.”

***

He pulled Renjun into a hug and squeezed him tight before telling him to join the boys. Once he left, Taeyong stared at himself in the mirror and sighed. He knew an unhealthy coping mechanism when he saw one. After splashing water on his face, he exited the bathroom with less shakier hands. 

Johnny passed him with more wires in his hands, and Taeyong grabbed him lightly by the forearm effectively stopping Johnny. He raised his eyebrow and waited as Taeyong looked around to see if anyone was around. Once he concluded they were safe, Taeyong leaned into Johnny to whisper into his ear. 

“Renjun was making himself throw up,” he shared. 

Johnny pulled back, pure shock and concern painting his face. “How do you know this?” he said in a hushed voice. 

“I just walked in on him,” he said as he gestured behind him. 

“Alright, well, I guess we’re just gonna have to keep our eye on him,” Johnny said. Taeyong hated how simple it sounded. 

“You don’t think we should say something?” he pressed, genuinely confused. Because he knew what Renjun was doing. He was dealing with something, and in some way, Taeyong saw himself at that moment when Renjun looked up with those scared eyes. 

Johnny sighed and looked around as if trying to find something to say. “I mean, what  _ can _ we do? It’s not like we’re his parents or something.”

Taeyong scoffed. “Yeah, but we’ve got to do  _ something _ .” 

“Sorry, Taeyong, but I’m not trying to rescue everyone,” he said before leaving Taeyong in the hallway. He just stood there and picked apart Johnny’s words. 

Now, when Taeyong was in high school, he picked up a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms. Of course, there was the drug thing. And then there was the Jaehyun thing. Jaehyun was never a bad guy, he wanted to always keep that clear. Jaehyun never treated him less than what Taeyong deserved. So, the Jaehyun thing was a thing. 

Junior year was already so fucked on so many levels that Taeyong’s brain hurts ever thinking about it. He remembered how everyone whispered around him. It never really affected him because he never really cared about what they thought anyway. But he did care when Jaehyun refused to look him in the eye. Apparently, he didn’t know about Taeyong’s drug thing, and since he was the Christ loving son, he had to leave Taeyong in the dust. 

It was never the ‘my parents can’t know I’m gay’ kind of leave. It was the ‘you’re crazy and my parents don’t want me around you’ kind of leave. Which kind of made it hurt worse. So, even when Jaehyun left him in the trash, he would still hook up with him at every party. Apparently, Taeyong figured out it was always Johnny’s parties. 

So, it was an unhealthy coping mechanism because Taeyong loved when Jaehyun would leave him, only for him to come back at every party. He loved the hurt that came with it. Even with Yuta telling him it was dumb, he still chased after Jaehyun. Just for it to hurt. He needed to feel a different kind of hurt to know he still had a heart. 

You can only imagine how his heart dropped out of his ass when he saw Jaehyun standing in the greenroom with his dimpled smile. The room froze. Jaehyun stopped smiling. Donghyuck and Mark quickly left the room, so the two of them were staring each other down. 

Jaehyun politely smiled. “Taeyong, what’s up?” he said casually. Taeyong hated how casual he was. He was always casual, even after all of the parties and hook ups, Jaehyun would still act so casual. 

“How’s Yale?” he asked. 

Jaehyun shrugged. “It’s cool.” Taeyong hated short talk. 

It was awkwardly quiet even with Jisung and Jeno’s loud talk about frogs. Jaehyun looked good. He was always good looking. It was unfair. Then, before either of them could notice, Johnny was walking in. He walked in with a blank expression, but then his eyes widened and excitement flooded in. 

“Jung fucking Jaehyun!” he shouted in excitement. Of course they dapped each other up. They talked animatedly to each other, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. Taeyong watched as his two worlds collided. 

That’s where Johnny was. He was best friends with Jaehyun in high school. Taeyong cursed at himself for taking that long to realize. He should have realized last year. Wait. Johnny was Jaehyun’s best friend during high school. Johnny had a crush on Taeyong during their junior year. Taeyong hooked up with Jaehyun almost every weekend at Johnny’s house. Stuff was clicking together too scarily. Would Jaehyun talk to Johnny about Taeyong? 

It made him feel weird. 

“Dude, what are you doing here?” Jaehyun said between light laughter. 

Johnny froze. So, Taeyong spoke for him. 

“He’s my boyfriend,” he said cheerfully, looping his arm with Johnny’s with a wide grin. For extra effect, he leaned his head at Johnny’s shoulder. 

He loved the way Jaehyun’s face dropped. But then he picked it back up quickly and it didn’t feel so good anymore. Instead, he felt weird again. 

“Oh wow,” Jaehyun reacted. “Good for you, Johnny. He’s quite a catch, isn’t he?” He said it so casually, but Taeyong couldn’t help but hear the mockery behind the words. 

_ He’s quite a catch, isn’t he? _

-

At the hotel, Taeyong took a shower to wash off the dirty feeling buried deep beneath his skin. He scrubbed until his skin was raw. He scrubbed until he started to bleed. He stopped when he realized what he had been doing. 

Taeyong felt dirty that night, and he didn’t know what to do. He felt stuck. 

He exited the bathroom with his boxers hanging low on his hips. Johnny was already laying on the mattress, scrolling through his phone. Not once did he look up at Taeyong. 

“Johnny,” he said softly. 

He looked up. “Yeah?”

Taeyong kept himself together as he said, “I feel dirty.” 

Johnny lifted the blankets for him. His music was playing quietly from his phone speakers. It was his chill playlist. Taeyong loved his music, and he could listen to all of the playlists Johnny could make him. He hadn’t had any playlists made for him in a long time. Taeyong crawled into his grasp. They laid there in silence. Johnny kept brushing Taeyong’s hair, and it was calming he nearly fell asleep. 

“Johnny, why did you really like me in high school?” he whispered in the quiet. 

He felt his chest rise and fall with each breath. It was calming. Always so calming. He kept tracing the tattoos on Taeyong’s arm. He didn’t answer for a while until Taeyong tilted his head up with those big eyes. Johnny loved those eyes. 

“Jaehyun had you and I didn’t,” he said. His voice was so soft, Taeyong felt like he could fall back into it. “And I thought, shit. Someone that pretty shouldn’t have to deal with all this shit.” 

Taeyong kept tracing Johnny’s tattoos. 

“And I told him. He told me that it wasn’t worth it because.” He took a deep breath. “At the end of the day, you were just gonna die a drug addict.” 

Taeyong didn’t like the way his heart curled in his chest. He didn’t like how his lungs constricted. He buried his face further into Johnny. 

“Sometimes, you make me feel like such shit, Johnny,” he said. 

“I know.” 

Taeyong pressed closer, never wanting to let go. He never wanted to let go. How could he? Because Johnny was his dreamboat. Johnny made him feel like he was in his dreams.

“And. Sometimes I make you feel like shit,” he continued. Johnny hummed. He rested his head on Johnny’s chest. “And most of the time I wonder if you really want me there. Or if you just don’t want to be responsible for killing me.” 

The music soothed him. He cried and sniffled. 

“I don’t ever want you to think like that,” Johnny whispered. 

He sniffled some more, trying to get his words out. “It’s not good for us.” 

“I know, baby,” he said, voice so soft it was barely there. 

  
  



	4. the self love

_the self love_

  
  


The moment Johnny and Taeyong got together, the world was put against them. All of the odds were put against them. They didn’t stand a chance. They tried so hard to make it work, but there was always something. Taeyong wanted to ignore it, but no matter how hard he tried, they’d just end up at square one. 

So, Johnny texted him to come over so they could talk. Taeyong knew exactly what was happening. He had no way to prepare himself. He slid on his pants robotically. The shirt he picked up didn’t matter, but the hoodie stung him. It was Johnny’s hoodie. Taeyong stared at his reflection and decided to keep it on. 

The way he moved made him feel dull. He felt like he was just floating along, not actually doing anything. His feet were moving on their own. So, as he drove down the highway at seventy miles per hour, Taeyong couldn’t feel anything. Emotionless. That’s how he prepared. 

He parked and sat in his car for five minutes before actually moving. Once he started moving, his heart kept constricting and his lungs were choking him. He did his usual routine of pressing codes and unlocking doors. It was all just muscle memory at that point. 

Walking up to his door was terrifying. He knew what was happening, and he didn’t want to face it. He held it off as long as he could. It was a waiting game. One of them had to say something eventually. Johnny opened the door. It was absolutely unfair that Johnny looked cute in his brown sweater. He looked nice, like he had put an effort. Taeyong suddenly felt self conscious about his outfit. 

“Hey,” Johnny greeted softly, a gentle smile easing the tension. 

Taeyong held his breath. “Hey.” 

Johnny looked behind him and then back at Taeyong. He was debating something in his head, and Taeyong just wanted to know what was going on. He expected the ‘rip it off like a band-aid’ method. But Johnny was taking his time. 

“Do you wanna go to the cafe down the street?” he asked. 

Taeyong’s mouth sometimes moved faster than his brain. “What? So I won’t make a scene if we’re out in public?” Johnny looked uncomfortable, and he wanted to shove his fist into his mouth so bad. “I’m sorry that was mean. Yes, let’s go.” 

They walked down the block in silence. It was weird. This tension was choking them. Taeyong had his hands in the pockets of his (Johnny’s) hoodie. He tried not to look over at Johnny and just kept on looking straight. 

By the time they made it to the cafe, Taeyong wanted to eat his own fist because it was that weird. Johnny opened the door for him, and Taeyong whispered a thanks. Why didn’t they know how to act around each other? They had been with each other through everything. For some reason, that had gone all away in one meeting. 

Ordering was weird because even the cashier could feel the tension. The way they flitted their eyes between Taeyong and Johnny displayed their obvious discomfort. Taeyong tried his best to act normal as he ordered his caramel frappuccino. He tried not to scrunch his nose when Johnny ordered his monstrous drink. 

“I still don’t know how you drink that,” he commented as they waited for their drinks. 

Johnny shrugged, not saying much else. Taeyong tried so hard not to hold his hand, so he curled his hands to stop himself from doing anything stupid. The space in between them made him feel empty. 

They sat outside since it was so nice. The type of nice that makes you wear a sweater, but not freeze to death. Taeyong took three sips of his drink before Johnny actually started talking. 

“I know we tried to do this before,” he sighed, “but I need you to understand that I love you and would never hurt you.” 

Taeyong lightly scoffed. It didn’t sound mean. “A little late for that.” Johnny looked at him with guilt. “You hurt me a lot, Johnny.” 

“I know, baby,” he said. “You hurt me just as much.” 

He took a sip. “We have to figure ourselves out.” 

“I’ll wait for you,” Johnny said. 

“And I’ll wait for you.” 

-

The next couple of days hit him hard. He stayed in bed. He never ate. He could barely get up to shower. At some point, he forgot he had to eat. Water was something he barely thought about. In other words, Taeyong was having a depressive episode. 

His mom saw him curled over in pain in front of the bathroom door. He was sobbing in pain because his stomach hurt so bad. It was the stinging kind of pain that made him want to punch it out. 

“It hurts, it hurts, it hurts,” he cried. He eventually got food in him, even if it hurt to eat. 

Taeyong just wanted to see Johnny. Just one more time, but his mom and Donghyuck would never let him. They monitored him to make sure he didn’t call or text him. It made him want him even more. One day, he decided to walk past Johnny’s bar. He wasn’t going to go in. He just wanted to see him. 

So, off to the distance, Taeyong saw Johnny walking out of the bar after his shift and walking into somebody’s arms. Was it betrayal if they weren’t together in the first place? He cried all of the way home because what else could he do?

By the time he made it home, he was alone. His mom was out at work, and Donghyuck was staying over Mark’s. He was alone. It was dark and silent. The moon and street lights were the only faint lighting behind him as he sat on the edge of his bed. He stared at nothing. 

Silence. Taeyong hated silence. 

His hands shook as he stared down at the line below him. It was lined up perfectly on top of a book he found. He needed it. He had to. A voice screamed at him to turn away, to throw the book and get away from the drugs. He tried so hard. 

In a quick motion, he leaned down and sniffed all he could. When he raised his head, he could feel the mistakes all crashing back to him. He fell back onto his bed and gasped. He had relapsed. Again and again and again and no matter how hard he tried, he was always going to go back. He was going to die a drug addict. 

He was going to die a drug addict. Taeyong wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth living. 

His feet started moving on their own. He was stumbling through the hallways of his home, knocking over pictures and decorations. At some point, his shoulder crashed into a frame that shattered. His hands shook as he picked it up. In the picture, Donghyuck, his mother, and himself were smiling at the camera. Donghyuck was a toddler. So small and chubby. His mother looked younger and just as beautiful. Taeyong had bright eyes and a wide smile that looked like happiness. He threw the picture frame as he cursed at the man who took away his innocence. 

“You did this to me!” he cried. “You fucking ruined me!” He was screaming at the ceiling, knowing the man was far away and unaware of the damage he had left behind. It made him sick.

He screamed until his throat was raw and burning. His stomach lurched at the idea of a monster like him walking around the world, completely safe. He dropped to the floor, burying himself into his knees. He quietly sobbed. He couldn’t do it anymore. 

Taeyong knew what he had to do. His feet stumbled back to his room, the room spinning with each step. He felt like he was going through a maze as he kept his eyes on his door. The door was covered in drawings and a cowboy drawing he did with Donghyuck. 

Very slowly, Taeyong sat at his desk and looked around at the equipment in front of him. His hands brushed against the keyboard. He turned everything on. He returned to the one thing that always made him content. At some point, he had lost that love, hated it even. Despised it. But as his hands felt the keyboards below, he remembered all of the things that were worth it. 

His hands hovered the keys before they pressed down.

-

After relapsing, Taeyong flushed down all of his extra drugs. He had to stop keeping an emergency stash. He went to every hiding place he could think of and collected everything. Donghyuck watched in horror. 

Taeyong pushed the bathroom door harshly. He dumped everything into the toilet bowl and flushed. He was breathing heavily, staring down at the pills and packets. He moved to leave the bathroom, and Donghyuck stood at the door frame. 

“You need help, Taeyong,” he whispered as if he didn’t already know. 

His brother must have told their mom because the next day, she woke him up with a light shake. He opened his eyes slowly.

“Yongie, you are so strong,” his mom whispered to him when he could barely lift his head. He felt like he was stuck to his bed. 

“I just want to see him,” he mumbled before falling asleep again. 

  
  


Eventually, Taeyong figured it out. He couldn’t just fall into a depressive episode. He needed help. If he wanted to see Johnny again, he had to reach out for help. 

“I think I wanna go back on meds,” he told his mom one day. 

It was easy to renew his prescription. Not only did he reach out to a psychiatrist, he made weekly appointments with a therapist. It was good for him. He was getting better. June came around the corner, surprising him. He felt like time was moving quickly around him. 

It was late at night. Taeyong was working on new songs again, scribbling and messing around with different sounds. His phone rang suddenly. Johnny’s name and picture popped up. It was him, laid across his bed with a cheesy smile, cheeks flushed. 

Of course he picked it up. Because Taeyong loved being hurt. 

“Johnny,” he whispered into the speaker. 

It took Johnny a second to respond. “Oh wow. You actually picked up.” 

Taeyong lightly laughed because of course he would pick up. He could never ignore Johnny for too long. 

“How are you?” he asked. 

“I’m great,” Johnny said. “I, uh, made a photography account and actually started posting stuff. People actually like it.” 

Taeyong nodded and smiled. “I knew people were gonna love it. You’re really talented.” 

“Thanks,” he said simply. “How’s your album going?”

Taeyong looked at his screen and said, “It’s going good. Lots of songs about you, that’s for sure.” He chuckled at the thought of Johnny listening to his songs. Maybe one day. 

“All good things I hope,” Johnny joked. 

Taeyong just giggled and covered his mouth with his fist, chewing on his knuckles a bit. 

“I miss you,” he said softly. Johnny didn’t respond for a while. 

“I miss you too.” 

-

After that call, Taeyong was sadder than usual. He was just sad that morning. He didn’t cry or anything, he was just missing Johnny. It didn’t help that Donghyuck cries about Mark every day. It’s nothing new. Taeyong actually thought it was going to end, but then Mark made the stupidest mistake of never calling Donghyuck when he landed. 

His brother was mid rant when Taeyong snapped. “Hyuck, please stop.” He had a glare on his face. He was growing tired of his whiny brother. 

“But what if he-”

“I’m telling you to stop,” he said. His voice was three tones away from cruel. 

Donghyuck looked confused at Taeyong’s random outbreak. Taeyong was usually so open to listen. He listened to Donghyuck and made him feel heard, but at that moment, he felt hurt at his brother’s dismissal. 

“I just wanna know if he’s okay,” he talked back. 

Taeyong cracked. “You think I fucking care?” he shouted, shutting up his brother. “I don’t! Because right now, all I can think about is Johnny. And how much I want to go back to him. But I can’t.”

Donghyuck frowned, but then glared. “You are so self absorbed sometimes. You don’t even realize it. Figure your shit out before calling out anyone else,” he said before storming upstairs. 

Taeyong thought about it, and he came to the conclusion that Donghyuck was right. He had to help the people around. Recently, he hadn’t been thinking about anyone else. He put his mental health first, but ignored everyone else’s emotions. Taeyong sighed and made his way upstairs. 

He knocked on Donghyuck's door. “Go away!” he yelled through the door.

“I won’t,” Taeyong said defiantly. “I’m coming in.” 

Donghyuck was buried in his stuffed orange dolphin, crying into it and burying his face even further. 

“Go away,” he muffled into the stuffed animal. 

Taeyong stood his ground. “When’s your next show?” he asked. 

Donghyuck raised his head and looked up at him in confusion. “Not until the end of the month. Why?” 

Taeyong let himself smile, even if he was just as sad as his brother. “I know some people who can help you guys out.” 

  
  
  


“When you said you knew some people, I did not think you were talking about festival organizers!” Donghyuck screeches into his face after Taeyong gets off the phone call. He grinned even wider at his brother’s excitement. 

Taeyong was well known in the industry, believe it or not. It was true. He wasn’t lying when he said he had growing success. 

“Congrats. You’re gonna be there for day three,” he said. “You better be grateful because they literally had to squeeze you guys in there.” 

Donghyuck squealed in excitement and jumped to hug his brother. It was a hug that poured everything out. It was a shared hug between brothers who had been through everything. Taeyong rubbed at his back. He was always going to be there for his brother. No matter what. Because at the end of the day, they only had each other. Take away the boys and all the drama, they had each other. 

And Taeyong will always be there for his brother. He will always try to protect him from the cruel parts of the world because he never wants Donghyuck to see the things he’s seen. 

-

Taeyong makes the drive all the way down to Delaware, even if the boys were the most annoying pieces of shits the entire time. They had to comment on every interesting sign that displayed something about Jesus and Sins. 

“Mark would love this,” Jaemin joked. 

Donghyuck snapped around from the passenger seat. “No, no he would not because Mark’s not a shit Christian. Shut up.” 

The drive wasn’t too long, but before they knew it they were at the campgrounds. They were only going to be there for one day, so they didn’t have to book any hotels, but they wanted to experience the rest of the festival. They got there early enough to make it to their favorite artists’ sets. Donghyuck complained about missing day one for so long because he wanted to see King Princess play. 

“I just want to see her once, okay?” he whined. 

“She’s problematic, Hyuck. She shows her boobs, even if minors attend her shows,” Renjun said in response, looking as bored as ever. 

So, no King Princess but they were going to see some others that they loved. The moment they got their artist passes, the boys were basically screaming in excitement and posting all about it on their social medias. 

“This is so fucking awesome,” Jeno said as he was looking down at the lanyard. 

Taeyong let them run around for a while before their set. He was talking to some people and catching up with artists he’s worked with before. He felt a million times better and was getting back into the swing of things. So as he smiled at every person, he felt healthy. He felt new. 

  
  


The time for their set was rapidly approaching, and Taeyong had to gather them all up together. With the help of Chenle, they got to where they needed to go and organized the things they needed. It was already late at night, and Taeyong could feel the windchill. His outfit wasn’t exactly protective against the night chill, but he looked cute enough during the day that he didn’t care. 

“I’m so nervous for them,” Chenle told him as the boys were getting mic'd up.

The boys didn’t look nervous. Jisung was jumping up and down with Jeno as they were cheering something. Donghyuck looked sad, probably because Mark was missing, but he was still concentrating on the performance. Renjun was doing pep talks with Jaemin, hands intertwined. They looked like rockstars. 

Taeyong smiled at Chenle. “They’ll be fine,” he said. 

Of course they were fine. Donghyuck entranced the crowd like always, and the mini audience they had were all dancing by the second verse. It warmed his heart to see his brother out there, living his dreams. He didn’t have anything holding him back. He loved the music he played and he kept that love. 

Some part of Taeyong was jealous of him. He wishes he could have been stronger. Instead of turning to drugs, there’s another him in another universe that relies on music to get through the day. Not valium. Then he looks at himself. Because besides the addiction and the heartbreak, he still made it to where he was. 

He had the ability to call last minute to let his brother’s band play. He could talk to different artists, and they would always ask to work with him. Behind the addiction, Taeyong was a man with a great love for music. 

Taeyong moved back to his hometown to find inspiration, and in more ways than one, he had. 

He found love in so many different ways. 

-

The year moved by achingly slow. Time doesn’t wait for anyone. He had to learn to stay in the moment and enjoy, even when he felt like shit. He was having constant battles with himself. Some nights, he’d burn with withdrawals and scream in pain, but his mom and Donghyuck were always there. They were there for all of the ugly parts of his recovery. 

He’d crawl up next to his mom and rest there, just to have somebody there. 

“Keep faith in yourself, Yongie,” she told him every night when he despised himself. She gave him her encouraging words, and he would listen. 

He had to realize that life was actually really hard, and there was nothing he could do about that. All that mattered was how he viewed it. By rooting for himself, he could push through those hard times. 

For the entirety of Donghyuck’s senior year, he would write songs for them and help them find a new sound. There were plenty of nights where he just sat in front of his equipment with Donghyuck. Those were the good times, and he had to learn that he had to hold onto those moments so he could remember when he was feeling like shit. 

“You have to go down an octave after that verse, Hyuckie,” he said, letting go of the button as he watched Donghyuck yell at him through the glass. 

“Does he know we can’t hear him?” Renjun said, bored. He was chewing on some gummy worms as he waited for his turn. 

Taeyong waited until Donghyuck was done. He pressed the button again with a smug grin. “Are you done?” 

“Yes,” he said before trying again. 

As Taeyong toggled with a few things, he asked Renjun, “How have you been doing?”

Renjun made an absent noise. “Good, I guess,” he replied. 

“You know what I mean,” Taeyong said, still looking at the monitor in front of him. “Have you told anyone?” 

Renjun shifted in his seat. Taeyong didn’t want to push Renjun, and he didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. He always tried to be a safe person for him to talk to, and he eventually became that person for Renjun. He only wanted the best for the boys because they were Donghyuck’s friends, and he cared about them. 

“I told Jaemin the other day,” he mumbled, still chewing on the gummy worms. 

Taeyong spun around in his chair and softly smiled. “Keep it up.” 

In some ways, by helping Renjun, he was helping himself. He had put everything in perspective for himself. In order to help others, he had to help himself first. 

-

They were in the backyard roasting marshmallows over a shitty fire. It was kind of cold, but the blanket was doing enough to keep them warm. Graham cracker crumbs fell over onto his shirt, and Donghyuck laughed at him when he had chocolate on his face. 

Taeyong could fall asleep while listening to the crackle of the fire, but he stayed awake to appreciate the moment. 

“Donghyuck,” he started, voice gentle, “were you ever mad at me?” 

His brother shifted in his seat and stared up at the stars. “Sometimes. I would get mad when you relapsed because I just thought ‘why doesn’t he just stop?’ I was wrong for thinking like that,” he said, voice just as gentle. 

“I’m sorry,” Taeyong said. 

“Don’t be,” Donghyuck replied. 

Silence settled over them. Taeyong learned to love the silence.

-

Now, Taeyong knows he shouldn’t talk to Johnny until they figured their shit out. He knows that he should just move on and ignore the relationship they had. But he couldn’t. He missed him too much. He missed the way he would hold him. He missed the way he would want to kiss him so much that he never asked, just doing it because he loved him. He missed Johnny. 

He would regularly check his photography account. Just to see how he was doing. But eventually, even that proved not to be enough. He wanted to see him. So, one night, he visited his bar unannounced on a Saturday. He had nothing else to do, so he didn’t think much of it. 

When he got there, it felt like nothing had changed. The neon lights were still there. The same open sign was still there. Once he entered, he smelled the familiar fruity smoke that always lingers around. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. 

Then, he got to sitting on one of the neon stools. It was the same stool he would always sit at when he would visit Johnny. It made him sad to think about the past, but he couldn’t help it. Not when he was still so in love with him. 

He knew Johnny’s shift was beginning soon because he had committed it to memory all those months ago. He was nervous. 

Johnny walked through the back door, and Taeyong lightly gasped. He missed him so much. He still looked as beautiful as ever. He might’ve been glowing. 

Their eyes met instantly. Taeyong smiled gently, and it was returned. Johnny made his way over tentatively. 

“You look good,” he said. It was their first conversation in awhile. 

Taeyong smiled because he knew that he looked better. His cheeks had filled in and his skin had cleared up. He looked healthy. 

“Thank you,” he replied. “You look great.” It was already getting awkward, and Taeyong hated it.

He just wanted it to go back to normal. 

“Um, Hyuck and the boys are graduating soon,” he continued. He had to keep talking because even if he learned to love the silence, he hated the way they couldn’t talk. 

Johnny hummed. “I heard. Are they still planning on moving to California?” he asked. 

Truth be told, they had already established the California thing. After fighting hard and convincing their parents, they were all planning on moving the moment they graduate. Unfortunately, they were going to have to leave behind Jisung and Chenle because they still had a year to go. But the best part about it all, Taeyong was going with them. 

“Yeah, actually,” he coughed, “I’m going with them. You know, to kind of watch over them a bit. It was a part of the deal with their parents, and I already got a job over there.” 

Johnny nodded along in response. Taeyong wanted to say so much more. He had so much more to say. He didn’t want to just talk about his new job in California. There were words that could never leave his mouth, but in his thoughts, he begged for some sort of release. He wanted to tell Johnny how much he missed him. There was any space in his heart without him, even after all they’ve been through. 

“The kids want you to be there,” he continued, “to send them off.”

“I’ll check my schedule,” Johnny responded.

For the next few seconds, they just stared at each other. For a stranger, it might have looked strange, but through their gaze, so much was being said. With all the silence around them and the unspoken words, they knew they missed each other. 

-

As cheesy as graduation was, Taeyong cried when he saw his brother walk to accept his diploma. Chenle and Jisung cheered his name as Taeyong waved the jumbo Donghyuck head. The people around them stared, but it didn’t matter. Jeno walked next, and this time Jisung waved the jumbo Jeno head. Jaemin practically ran to get his diploma, jumping up and down as Chenle waved the Jaemin jumbo head. Taeyong still has no idea where Chenle got those. 

Once it wrapped up, the boys were up and running towards their friends. Taeyong and his mom trailed behind, letting them rambunctiously greet each other. He saw Jisung crying and Chenle was only laughing at him while hugging all of the other boys. 

Donghyuck was glowing. His eyes were shining with hope as he realized he was stepping into the next part of his life. He stopped before them with tears in his eyes. Their mom was the first person to hug him, and Taeyong followed after. Then, their mom rambled about pictures, but the two brothers were too busy embracing each other to care. She could get as many candid pictures as she wanted. 

“I’m so proud of you,” Taeyong told him. 

His little brother rubbed his back and said, “I’m proud of you too.” 

-

It was hot and stuffy as they were unloading their luggages from the car. The boys were bouncing off the roof in excitement, talking about what they’d do the moment step off the plane. Jisung was telling them to shut up since he was already getting jealous, but he still had a beaming smile on his face. Taeyong was excited for them. 

“Don’t let them get into too much trouble, okay?” his mom said. 

Taeyong grinned and took her into a tight hug. “I promise,” he said.

“I know you’re going to do great things in California,” she told him with a smile before making her way to say goodbye to Donghyuck. 

He unloaded the last of their bags and shut the trunk. While the boys were saying goodbye to their families, Taeyong took a look at his phone to check the time. They were cutting it close. Daring to look around for Johnny, he held his breath in anticipation. 

“Hey,” he heard from behind him. 

Taeyong whirled around to see Johnny standing there with a soft smile. The boys immediately saw him and were racing to say their goodbyes. While the boys shed their tears and promised to keep in touch, Taeyong stood back. Their eyes would catch each other for a few seconds before one of them would look away. 

“We’re gonna miss our flight,” Jaemin gasped after taking a look at his phone. With one last hug from Jisung and Chenle, they made their way into the airport. 

His heart was racing a mile a minute. If there was one thing drugs can do that terrified him, it was the way they made his heart race and then slow down. It’s the weirdest experience ever. But he felt that way whenever he looked at Johnny. His heart would race and then slow down. 

Johnny leaned against his car. Taeyong stood across him at a decently far distance. Taeyong could feel the tears starting to well up. In a few strides, he pulled Johnny into a hug. It was tight and the kind of hug that made you feel warm and loved. Their memories hold them together in that moment. Taeyong tangled his fingers into Johnny’s hair and rested his head into his neck, breathing in his scent one last time. 

They don’t say anything as Taeyong pulled away. Their hands hold each other lightly, a feather touch. Taeyong looked up at Johnny for one last time. He pulled his hand away slowly and turned to walk away. As the automated doors opened, he looked behind him to see Johnny getting into his car. 

-

The first months living in California were weird. They had a record label contract within the first month of their stay since Taeyong was working for the company as a producer. He had fought a lot of men in business suits for them. 

“It’ll be your mistake _not_ to sign them,” he said in his stern business voice when he had a meeting with one of their recruiters. 

The man across from him had a stiff face and nearly a scowl as Taeyong stared down at him in defiance. 

“I have one of them already working under me,” the recruiter said. 

Taeyong raised an eyebrow. “One of them? Who?” 

The recruiter smirked, like he had already won. “Mark Lee.” 

“Mr. Kim, uh, Doyoung, these kids have a lot of talent,” he said. “Mark is already amazing, but imagine him working with his team.” 

Doyoung thought about it for a second before glaring at Taeyong. “Don’t disappoint me,” he said with finality. 

Taeyong grinned his sweetest smile and raced to get the boys. They signed their contract the next day and made some compromises. 

“We’re not working with you guys if we can’t have Jisung,” Donghyuck said defiantly on the couch, his legs spread. 

The business men looked at each other and then at Taeyong, who just shrugged, and then back at Donghyuck. They sighed and complied. 

So, yeah, the first month is California was weird, but at least they had something going for them. 

-

Taeyong walks towards his apartment building with his head stuffed into his phone. He checks his phone for emails and different things. As he enters the elevator, he looks through his instagram feed aimlessly. He likes a few pictures and comments a few things on his friends’ posts. It’s mindless really, but then he sees a picture from an account he’s all too familiar with. 

It’s Johnny’s photography account. It’s a beautiful shot of a beach, and it looked familiar, but Taeyong couldn’t quite place it. By looking at the beach photo, Taeyong felt like having a trip to the beach. He loves the beach. They haven’t really had the opportunity to go to the beach since they’ve been working so hard on their album. Taeyong’s been even busier, constantly in the studio working on different things. 

It was posted five minutes ago with the caption _meet me at the beach at 11pm_ . Which is kind of a weird caption, but he can’t question Johnny’s creative direction. He makes it to his apartment door until suddenly he recognizes that beach. He’s passed by that beach. Taeyong gasps and runs out of the building, tumbling over his feet a couple times. He practically jumps down all of the steps, foregoing the elevators that took _forever_. 

He ran through the empty streets, frantic. His breaths were loud in his ears, blood rushing throughout him. The adrenaline took over him, and he made it to the beach in record time. What usually would take twenty-five minutes, Taeyong did it in fifteen. 

He finally made it to the large beach, searching for landmarks in Johnny’s post for any clues as to where the man could be. He probably looked insane, running everywhere like a madman. With his phone tightly grasped, he ran to where the picture was taken. Off to the distance, he sees a figure similar to Johnny’s build. He recognizes that denim jacket. 

He slowly walks over, careful steps shifting the sand beneath him. The figure turns. It’s him. Johnny and his stupid beautiful face. 

Taeyong moves at a faster pace, his mind failing to sync up with his feet. His slow walk breaks into a sprint. Johnny begins to run to him, just as frantic. They collide in a hug, an embrace so strong that it steals his breath away. The hug pours all of their heartbreak and love. Taeyong is shocked to have Johnny in his arms again, convinced their embrace at the airport would be the last of their encounters. His hands tightly squeeze the fabric of Johnny’s jacket, as if he lets go, he’d fly away. Johnny is grateful as he rocks them back and forth. 

“I love you,” he whispers, the sounds of the ocean coating each whisper. 

Johnny brushes his lips against Taeyong’s ear and says, “I’ll always follow you to the very end.” 

And Taeyong believes him. 

  
  


end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was quite a ride .. sorry for updating so late this work rlly means so much to me and i just wanted to give it a proper ending. leave any questions in the comments and i'll try my best to answer them all! 
> 
> this isn't the last of this series. i love it too much to abandon it. hope you all love it as much as i do. 
> 
> until next time :3
> 
> ari

**Author's Note:**

> twt: taeyngluvr
> 
> again, remember to take care of yourselves. my purpose for this fic is not to romanticize addiction or depression. i wanted to write about the damage it could do to the people around you and the hardships of loving yourself. i want to make this as clear as possible. 
> 
> thank you for reading


End file.
